Ambrose Bierce

"Clarionet, n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments that are worse than a clarionet -- two clarionets."

"Clock, n.: A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern for the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him."

"Confidant, Confidante, n. One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided by him to C."

"Congratulation, n. The civility of envy."

"Conservative, n. A statesman enamored of existing evils, as opposed to a Liberal, who wants to replace them with others."

"Corporation, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility."

"Cynic, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision."

"Dawn, n. The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men prefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh."

"Decide, v.i. To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences over another set."

"Defenceless, adj. Unable to attack."

"Dictionary, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work."

"Diplomacy, n. The patriotic art of lying for one's country."

"Education, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding."

"Edible, adj.: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm."

"Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me."

"Electricity, n. The cause of all natural phenomena not known to be caused by something else. It is the same thing as lightning, and its famous attempt to strike Dr. Franklin is one of the most picturesque incidents in that great and good man's career."

"Erudition, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull."

"Extinction, n. The raw material out of which theology created the future state."

"Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel."

"Fashion, n. A despot whom the wise ridicule and obey."

"Feast, n. A festival. A religious celebration usually signalized by gluttony and drunkenness, frequently in honor of some holy person distinguished for abstemiousness."

"Flesh, n. The Second Person of the secular Trinity."

"Forgetfulness, A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience."

"Freebooter, n. A conqueror in a small way of business, whose annexations lack of the sanctifying merit of magnitude."

"Freemasons, n. An order with secret rites, grotesque ceremonies and fantastic costumes, which, originating in the reign of Charles II, among working artisans of London, has been joined successively by the dead of past centuries in unbroken retrogression until now it embraces all the generations of man on the hither side of Adam and is drumming up distinguished recruits among the pre-Creational inhabitants of Chaos and Formless Void. The order was founded at different times by Charlemagne, Julius Caesar, Cyrus, Solomon, Zoroaster, Confucius, Thothmes, and Buddha. Its emblems and symbols have been found in the Catacombs of Paris and Rome, on the stones of the Parthenon and the Chinese Great Wall, among the temples of Karnak and Palmyra and in the Egyptian Pyramids — always by a Freemason."

"Friendless, adj. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense"

"Gallows, n. A stage for the performance of miracle plays, in which the leading actor is translated to heaven."

"Genealogy, n. An account of one's descent from an ancestor who did not particularly care to trace his own."

"Generous, adj. Originally this word meant noble by birth and was rightly applied to a great multitude of persons. It now means noble by nature and is taking a bit of a rest."

"Happiness, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another."

"Heathen, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something that he can see and feel."

"Heaven, n. A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your own."

"Helpmate, n. A wife, or bitter half."

"Hers, pron. His."

"Idiot, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. The Idiot's activity is not confined to any special field of thought or action, but "pervades and regulates the whole." He has the last word in everything; his decision is unappealable. He sets the fashions and opinion of taste, dictates the limitations of speech and circumscribes conduct with a dead-line."

"Incompossible, adj. Unable to exist if something else exists. Two things are incompossible when the world of being has scope enough for one of them, but not enough for both — as Walt Whitman's poetry and God's mercy to man."

"Infancy, n. The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, 'Heaven lies about us.' The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward."

"In'ards, n. pl. The stomach, heart, soul, and other bowels."

"Insurrection, n. An unsuccessful revolution. Disaffection's failure to substitute misrule for bad government."

"Justice, n. A commodity which in a more or less adulterated condition the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes and personal service."

"Kilt, n. A costume sometimes worn by Scotchmen in America and Americans in Scotland."

"Kleptomaniac, n. A rich thief."

"Labor, n. One of the processes by which A acquires property of B."

"Land, n. A part of the earth's surface, considered as property. The theory that land is property subject to private ownership and control is the foundation of modern society, and is eminently worthy of the superstructure. Carried to its logical conclusion, it means that some have the right to prevent others from living; for the right to own implies the right exclusively to occupy; and in fact laws of trespass are enacted wherever property in land is recognized. It follows that if the whole area of terra firma is owned by A, B and C, there will be no place for D, E, F and G to be born, or, born as trespassers, to exist."

"Laughter, n. An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious and, though intermittent, incurable."

"Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious."

"Liberty, n. One of imagination's most precious possessions."

"Liberty, n. The distinction between freedom and liberty is not accurately known; naturalists have never been able to find a living specimen of either."

"Logic, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding."

"Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. This disease is prevalent only among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient."