"Oh, how I have missed you, Mr. Tusk. How I've missed our merry times together on Ponder Rock. I've regretted every day of my return to this wretched...civilization. This anxious, silly world, with all the banality of a breakfast cereal. The worst of man has long been fetid with greed and indifference. The best of man has long been lobotomized by reality television. I never should have left the wilderness. I never should have left you. This writhing nest of two-legged bipeds. Each devouring the other to stay alive. And I betrayed you. For what? Man's world? An immoral cesspool, boded with the wayward, and the destitute."

"Man is the most dangerous animal."

"WALRUSES DO NOT CRY!!!"

"Some years back, I was rescued from the island of Ponder Rock. A mere hour after I had butchered my sweet savior walrus...in order to live. I marked this occasion for fifteen years now...by allowing my flippered friend the fighting chance he never had. So...you will fight me like a walrus! Or you will die!!"

"The 'unted is always "mister", the 'unter is always "monsieur"."

"Let me tell you a story..."

"Ahoy, matey! You know...it has occurred to me. If you are to fulfill your destiny...if you are to be a true walrus. Well, Mr. Tusk...a walrus must learn to swim."

"I don't wanna die in Canada!"

"There, there...it'll be alright. It'll be alright, Mr. Tusk."

"You are a kitchen witch of only good fortune."

"But you...you bring me back. You make me feel beautiful again and cherished. You give me my humanity."

"[about the crime scene] Oh, yes... It is one fuck of a bummer to look at, I can tell you that."

"Justin Long - Wallace Bryton"

"Johnny Depp - Guy LaPointe"

"Now...shall we dispense with the chuffa, Mr. Bryton? Perhaps it'd be best, in this, our burgeoning relationship to reveal our hearts with absolute candor. You see...for some time now...I've been constructing a very realistic walrus suit. And I believe with a few modifications, it will fit you just perfectly. But...whilst in the walrus suit, you must be a walrus. There'll be no sounds of a human voice. You must communicate everything you do as a walrus. Do you understand?"

"Your life as you knew it is over, Mr. Bryton. Should you wish to continue living, you will be a walrus...or you will be nothing at all."

"Oh, there, there, there, Mr. Tusk. There, there, I understand. It is very hard to be the elephant of the deep blue sea."

"A Truly Transformative Tale"

"You've lasted longer than the rest. You would kill me if you could. You want to. Your survival instincts...have kicked in. But...so have mine!"

"Yes...isn't this soothing to the soul? You know, if I close my eyes, I can almost imagine being back on Ponder Rock. I knew peace in this twisted, hateful world. I miss our little paradise, Mr. Tusk. This is just a poor facsimile of the magical enclave from when we first became good friends. You remember? Until that...terrible day. Man feeds on the meat and sinew of the helpless until we are all...alone. We survive at all costs only to butcher again and again until we ourselves are at last butchered in turn. You were not prepared for me last time, Mr. Tusk. You were not ready for the fight. But this time, it will be different...because I have hardened you. Just to show you how cruel man can really be. And if I have truly brought out the walrus in you...this time...you might just prevail."

"(narration of his letter) Hello, I am an old man who has enjoyed a long and storied life at sea. I am a proud Canadian who has traveled a peculiar path lo these many years. And after eons of oceanic adventure, I find myself a landlubber, with Manitoba as my final port. I know I do not wish to spend my remaining years alone in a giant house. Not when I have such stories to share. So to this end, I'm offering a room for rent in my stately woodland home. This arrangement will be free of charge, providing you to perform the simple household chores I can no longer tend to from the confines of this accursed wheelchair. But though I may be old, I have lived. And I will tell you all about my many adventures, in vivid detail. Please feel free to call me at the number below. Respectfully, Howard Howe."

"Yes... Now go to the fish, Mr. Tusk. Take the mackerel. FEED..."

"(last words) It is accomplished. You are my...Mr. Tusk. [dies]"

"I'm so scared. This guy wants to turn me into an animal or something..."

"It's good to cry. It separates us from the animals. Shows you have a soul."

"[about Wallace] He hasn’t called me in 3 days. I’m worried..."

"[groans while holding stomach] You just had to have the second slider. You just HAD to HAVE the second slider. Oof..."

"Michael Parks - Howard Howe"

"Genesis Rodriguez - Ally Leon"

"Haley Joel Osment - Teddy Craft"

"I think that the real savage animals are the human beings."

"The sun was shining on the sea. Shining with all his might. He did his very best to make the billows smooth and bright. And this was rather odd because it was the middle of the night."

"Is man truly a walrus at heart?"

"Well, someone's looking for Wallace! Yes...it must be nice to know that somebody cares about you that much. Just what I felt on the island with Mr. Tusk. He was the only living thing that ever had my best interests at heart. As a child, I was not cared for so much as I was...filed away, like a document. A document fed into a shredding machine and fueled by the blood of the innocent. You see, I am a Duplessis Orphan. Now, Maurice Duplessis was the Premier of Quebec in those days. He was the head of the Conservative Party and with strong ties to the Catholic Church. As a matter of fact, it was in collusion with these charlatans of the Lord that Duplessis brought upon Quebec la Grande Noirceur. The Great Darkness. As a boy of 10, my mother and father took me to Montreal. I had never seen anything so beautiful and bright and big and wonderful in my life. But when night falls in Montreal, the monsters come out to play. We were walking to dinner and were accosted by brigands in a back alley. My father was stabbed several times with the mugger's knife and my mother's throat was slashed as if she were cattle. I was placed in an abandoned boys' home in Quebec. Boys whose lives had been destroyed. Provinces were responsible financially for all of the orphanages. The government was responsible for the mental institutions. So Duplessis and the Church, they came up with a scheme to obtain more money by reclassifying the orphanages as mental health-care facilities. And when nobody raised their voice in protest, why, they just shut down the orphanages and sent all the children, including me, to insane asylums. And so for the next five years, I was tortured, I was beaten, I was raped. I have had things in my mouth that no human being should ever taste. They never thought of me as a person. They just thought to use me. And use me they did. Priests, politicians...all pederasts. Even the nurses and nuns and night watchmen. All of them witches, all there to satisfy their most base...physical and financial desires...through the lips and rectum of a child. So with no one to answer to for their horrid crimes, these devils ran amuck with my innocence. But at age 15, I escaped Canada. Got on a boat, went to the United States, and never looked back. Until now. Yes...man is a savage animal, Mr. Bryton. Better to be a walrus."

"Mr. Tusk...why do you blubber so? Are you really mourning your loss of humanity? I don't understand. Who in the hell would want to be human? God Almighty... In all of my travels, I've only ever known a human to be an ocean of shit. And my vessel, she lists, leaking."

"I'm so very tired, Mr. Tusk. Battered by a life of cruel fate...poor decisions...and the terrible consequences of both."

"So just as I had to kill you back on Ponder Rock, you have a terrible choice to make here. You have to kill me...if you want to live. And if you live, you will be as a walrus...that you almost are. So...either you go full walrus...or this! [attacks]"

"Is man indeed a walrus at heart?"

"Paulie Litt - Bryan (as Paulie Litowsky)"

"Harley Quinn Smith - Trace Colelli (uncredited)"

"Will Smith - Himself (uncredited)"

"Jason Biggs - Arthur Brickman"

"Jason Lee - PR Exec. 1"

"Stephen Root - Greenie"

"Mike Starr - Block"

"Matt Damon - PR Exec. 2"

"Liv Tyler - Maya"

"Ben Affleck - Oliver "Ollie" Trinké"

"Raquel Castro - Gertie Trinké"

"George Carlin - Bart Trinké"