"I'm not a Christian. I'm not an atheist. I'm not Jewish. I'm not Muslim. My religion, what I believe in is called the Constitution of United States of America."

"Michael Mantell - Ted Pullman"

"Gregory Itzin - Jack Stearns"

"Jennifer Ehle - Cindy Morris"

"Max Minghella - Ben Harpen"

"Jeffrey Wright - Franklin Thompson"

"Marisa Tomei - Ida Horowicz"

"Evan Rachel Wood - Molly Stearns"

"Paul Giamatti - Tom Duffy"

"Philip Seymour Hoffman - Paul Zara"

"George Clooney - Mike Morris"

"Ryan Gosling - Stephen Meyers"

"All the reporters love you. Even the reporters that hate you still love you."

"[to Stephen Meyers] I really want to fuck you. That's kind of a slutty thing for me to say, huh?"

"You can lie, you can cheat, you can start a war, you can bankrupt the country, but you can't fuck the interns. They get you for that."

"Emilio Rivera - Benitez"

"Jerry Weintraub - Larry Goldberg"

"Robert John Burke - Instructor Jenks"

"Michael Ensign - Simon Oliver"

"Maggie Gyllenhaal - Debbie"

"James Urbaniak - Rod Flexner"

"Rachelle Lefevre - Tuvia"

"Kristen Wilson - Loretta"

"Daniel Zacapa - Renda"

"Carlos Carrasco - Brazioni"

"Richard Kind - Casting Executive"

"Brad Pitt - Bachelor #1"

"Matt Damon - Bachelor #2"

"Dick Clark - Himself"

"Insane asylums are filled with people who think they're Jesus or Satan. Very few have delusions of being a guy down the block who works for an insurance company."

"I came up with a new game-show idea recently. It's called The Old Game. You got three old guys with loaded guns onstage. They look back at their lives, see who they were, what they accomplished, how close they came to realizing their dreams. The winner is the one who doesn't blow his brains out. He gets a refrigerator."

"My name is Charles Prescott Barris. I have written pop songs, I have been a television producer. I am responsible for polluting the airwaves with mindnumbing, puerile entertainment. In addition, I have murdered 33 human beings. [types on a typewriter: I am damned to hell]"

"When you are young, your potential is infinite. You might do anything, really. You might be Einstein. You might be DiMaggio. Then you get to an age where what you might be gives way to what you have been. You weren't Einstein. You weren't anything. That's a bad moment."

"I'm not killing people... my future's in television."

"Life was sweet... For a minute."

"Go back to Scotland! Get yourself some Guinness, some Lucky Charms."

"I don't know what was worse - that I was duped by that fat fucking bachelor, or that it took seven of us to replace him."

"When you're in a relationship it means you are obligated to give a shit."

"There are several efficient methods for killing a man were you to find yourself without a weapon. The edge of your hand, against your adversary's Adam's apple. This will crush his windpipe, causing strangulation and death. [demonstrates on a volunteer, then realizes what he's done] Shit! I need another volunteer!"

"Killing my first man was like making love to my first woman."

"Some things are better left top secret."

"His future was uncertain. His every move was being watched."

"When you lead two different lives, it's easy to forget what side you're on."

"Sam Rockwell - Chuck Barris"

"Drew Barrymore - Penny Pacino"

"George Clooney - Jim Byrd"

"Julia Roberts - Patricia Watson"

"Rutger Hauer - Keeler"

"Think of it as a hobby. Something you do to relax. You're an "assassination enthusiast.""

"You're 32 years old, and you've achieved nothing. Jesus Christ was dead and alive again by 33. You better get crackin'."