"(After Mikey gets born, she sees married men looking at the baby ward congratulating their wives and passing out cigars celebrating their newborns) Look at all those daddies down there. They are making goofball faces and taking pictures. Well, you will not find your father here. I really messed things up for you. I do not want you to be upset, because I am going to go out there and find you a daddy, and this time I am going to be smart about it. I am not going to go for some handsome guy just because I am in love with him. You are the only thing that matters to me, and I am going to go out there and I am going to get you the best daddy there is."

"He is hip, he is slick and he is only three months old."

"He has got John Travolta's smile, Kirstie Alley's eyes and the voice of Bruce Willis...Now all he has to do is find himself the perfect daddy."

"John Travolta as James Ubriacco"

"Kirstie Alley as Mollie"

"George Segal as Albert"

"Olympia Dukakis as Rosie"

"Twink Caplan as Rona"

"Joy Boushel as Melissa"

"Abe Vigoda as Grandpa"

"Jason Schaller, Jaryd Waternoose, Jacob Haines, and Christopher Aydon as Michael "Mikey""

"Joan Rivers as the voice of Julie (uncredited)"

"John Travolta as James Ubriacco"

"Kirstie Alley as Mollie Ubriacco"

"Olympia Dukakis as Rosie Jensen"

"Elias Koteas as Stuart Jensen"

"Twink Caplan as Rona"

"Gilbert Gottfried as Joey"

"Bruce Willis as Mikey Ubriacco"

"Roseanne Barr as Julie Ubriacco"

"Damon Wayans as Eddie"

"Mel Brooks as Mr. Toilet Man"

"Richard Dimitri - Roman Troy Moronie"

"Griffin Dunne - Tommy Kelly"

"Dom DeLuise - The Pope"

"Danny DeVito - Burr"

"Dick Butkus - Arthur"

"The name's Dangerously. Johnny Dangerously."

"Glynnis O'Connor - Sally"

"Ron Carey - Pat"

"Ray Walston - Vendor"

"Neal Israel - Dr. Zilman"

"Alan Hale, Jr. - the Desk Sergeant"

"I never should have picked a name like that. A name like that you gotta live up to."

"Diversification. Yes, sir. We're constantly exploring new and exciting areas of crime. And I tell ya somethin'. We better, because there a couple Japanese gangs out there that are going to do it faster and cheaper."

"And you know for you kids out there who are thinkin' about smokin', don't start. And if you started, stop. Smokin' don't make you look tough kids. It makes you look stupid. If you gotta put something in your mouth, make it a stick of chewing gum. Sure, thats what Johnny does. Smoking is the worst thing you can do to your body."

"I've fulfilled a lot of people's predictions about me. I've become a real scumbag."

"You shouldn't shoot me, Johnny. My grandmother shot me once... Once."

"You shouldn't hang me on a hook, Johnny. My father hung me on a hook once... Once."

"Dames are put on this earth to weaken us, drain our energy, laugh at us when they see us naked."

"I enjoy collecting protection money, putting whores to work, loan-sharking. I enjoy planting bombs in people's cars. These are a few of my favorite things."

"I know what you can't say. You wanna get laid. You wanna hump your brains out. Vavoom, vavoom, vavoom!"

"The Lower East Side. This really sucks."

"Bless the saints, it's an ashtray! I've been thinking of taking up smoking. This clinches it!"

"With a father like "Killer" Kelly, it's a wonder neither of you turned out to be a piece 'o shit criminal."

"I would like to direct this to the distinguished members of the panel: You lousy cork-soakers. You have violated my farging rights. Dis somanumbatching country was founded so that the liberties of common patriotic citizens like me could not be taken away by a bunch of fargin iceholes... like yourselves."

"You fargin sneaky bastage. I'm gonna take your dwork. I'm gonna nail it to the wall. I'm gonna crush your boils in a meat grinder. I'm gonna cut off your arms. I'm gonna shove 'em up your icehole. Dirty son-a-ma-batches!"

"Tommy Kelly: ...that Roman Troy Maronie was responsible for the Mother's Day Massacre, the Christmas Day Slaughter, the Lincoln's Birthday Mutilations, and the Groundhog's Day Beheadings!"

"Polly: You missed, fuckface!"