The Love Guru

"In my book, "If you're happy and you know it, Think again", I speak of the teachings of Intimacy, or Into-Me-I-See™. Intimacy is like putting your Wiener on a table and having someone say. 'Hey, That looks like a Penis, Only smaller!' [Laughs] Only Smaller..."

"Although I was raised here in India, I was born in America, which is where our journey begins. It's the story of a hockey player, named Darren Roanoke. My most resistant student, who became my greatest teacher... Or some such bullshit, I don't know."

"Dick Pants... send him in."

"Guru Pitka had a farm. EIEIO. And in that farm he did no harm. EIEIO.™"

"Milk milk lemonade this is where the fudge is made"

"BIBLE - Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth™"

"Don't peck my fucking eyes!"

"Break the pickle...tickle, tickle."

"Marishka Hargitay Jessica simpson."

"Marishka Hargitay Val Kilmer."

"Marishka Hargitay... Marishka Hargitay."

"Tonight I want you to go from nowhere to NOW HERE.™"

"Is it made out of dog? Is it a dog's tingy, am I being punk'd?"

"If you ever sucker punch me again, I'll kick your ass all the way back to the keebler factory."

"I have two tattoos. One of them is DRAMA tattoo and the other is a picture of daffy duck pushing a lawn mower through my pubes."

"Let's make like a baby and head out."

"I don't know what you're talking about. (coughs up feathers)"

"Rajneesh, I'd like an alligator soup, and make it snappy. Because alligators are snappy, and at the same time, I want it prompt."

"THE ULTIMATE DISTRACTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Well, it looks more like Gay Skin. (laughs)"

"I lied. She is still with Le Coq, and he still has the biggest Weiner in history."

"I WANNA SING!"

"Go Speedy. Ride like a cowboy."

"What is it you can't face? (use strong Indian accent on "can't")"

"Stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself. Why are you still hitting yourself?"

"What's this? A dead one of these."

"If you're happy and you know it think again."

"Does it hurt when you do that? Don't do that."

"I know you are, but what am I?"

"Ding Dong. Did someone order the special Quebec pizza huh? You know, like in the porno."

"Don't look at me with that tone of voice or I will punch you in the shirt!"

"Dis is my day of lucky!"

"[answering cell phone] Dell Computers, this is Chip."

"Good distraction frees us from emotional pain. Bad distraction gives you a mouth full of whizz."

"Students, now I am going to teach you the "D" of drama. Distraction. Maurice, if Plato, Shakespeare and Einstein were talking about the meaning of life, and two elephants started humping outside, even they would rush to the window. It is the ultimate distraction."

"Mike Myers - Guru Maurice Pitka / Young Pitka / Teenage Pitka / Himself"

"Jessica Alba - Jane Bullard"

"Justin Timberlake - Jacques "Le Coq" Grandé"

"Roomany Malco - Darren Roanoke"

"Megan Good - Prudence Roanoke"

"Verne Troyer - Coach Punch Cherkov"

"Omid Djalili - Guru Satchabigknoba / Gagandeep Singh"

"Ben Kingsley - Guru Tugginmypudha"

"Telma Hopkins - Lillian Roanoke"

"Manu Narayan - Rajneesh, Pitka's assistant"

"John Oliver - Dick Pants"

"Stephen Colbert - Jay Kell"

"Jim Gaffigan - Trent Lueders"

"Rob Huebel - Bar Patron / Cameo"

"Daniel Tosh - Cowboy Hat"