Major Payne

"Know this: Killing is my business, ladies; and business is GOOD!"

"[After being discharged from the Marines] It's been two whole weeks since I killed me a man. And already I'm startin' to get the itch. Problem is I got nothin' to scratch. God, I'm hungry. Hungry for action, hungry for blood. Hell, I'm just plain ol' hungry. Feel like I'm gettin' weaker, while Charlie's gettin' stronger in the jungle. Gotta maintain discipline; gotta keep up my strength! 'Cause the hard reality is, I gotta get a job."

"I have eight weeks to turn you gaggle of maggots into a well-disciplined cadet unit! From this day forward, your sorry-ass asses belong to ME! You will not eat, sleep, drink, blow your nose, or even dig in your butt without my say-so!"

"From now on, my little group of scrotum sacks, you will walk like me, talk like me, eat like me, and until you win those games, you will be BALD like me."

"Know this about me, Private Ass-Eyes! War has made me very paranoid! And when a man gets to eyeballing me, it makes my Agent Orange act up; and I get the urge to kill. Do not aggravate my condition!"

"Move it, turds! You'll get no sympathy from me! You want sympathy, you look in the dictionary between spit and syphilis! That's where you'll find my sympathy!"

"ONE...don't you feel dumb. TWO...look at you! THREE...don't you ever make jokes about me behind my back or else I'll stomp you in the ground!"

"You're still a shit sandwich... you're just not a soggy one. I will no longer refer to you as turds. From this day forward, you will be called maggots!"

"[To Emily about being married] Negative. I figure if the marines wanted me to have a wife, they'd of issued me one."

"[To the squad, while watching them all run wearing dresses] I tell you, ladies; you're the prettiest unit ever under my command! Gonna have to change my name to Pimp-Daddy Payne! A-hee hee hee!"

"[While confronting a blind kid with his dog] You know there ain't no pets allowed on this here premises, Mr. Ace Ventura."

"Hey Corporal. [Payne's adopted son, Tiger steps out in front and faces him] Go tell Mom to get my field knife."

"[To a hulking biker dude, whom the squad hired to muss him up] I heard tell your mother's so fat, she uses planets for billiard balls."

"[Introducing the squad to their new barracks] A squad that lives together, wins together! "Unity", turds; that is the key word in "unit", without the "Y"!"

"Know this, pukes: We are going to win the Virginia Military Games this year! You will note my emphasis on win! Whiskey! India! November! GET USED TO HEARING THAT WORD!"

"Welcome to the House of Payne."

"He's looking for a few good men...or at least a few guys old enough to shave."

"Damon Wayans - Major Benson Winifred Payne"

"Karyn Parsons - Emily Walburn"

"Steven Martini - Cadet Alex J. Stone"

"Michael Ironside - Lt. Col. Stone"

"Orlando Brown - Cadet Kevin "Tiger" Dunn"

"Albert Hall - General Decker"

"Andrew Harrison Leeds - Cadet Dotson"

"Damien Wayans - Cadet Dwight "D." Williams"

"Chris Owen - Cadet Wuligar"

"Stephen Coleman - Cadet Leland"

"Mark Madison - Cadet Fox"

"Peyton Chesson-Fohl - Cadet Sgt. Johnson"

"Scott Bigelow - Biker"