"I want the rest of that money. His money, her money, it's my money. I've had to live with that squealing, corpulent, little toad all these years. God, I hate that woman! I-I... I hate the way she licks stamps! I hate her furniture! And I hate that little sound she makes when she sleeps..."

"[introducing his wife's toy poodle to his new Doberman pinscher] Muffy, meet Adolph. Adolph, EAT MUFFY!"

"[complaining about his wife's wealthy father] They pulled the plug on him. He wheezed and shook for about an hour and then... he stabilized. That son-of-a-bitch just got older and sicker, and older and sicker, AND OLDER AND SICKER...!"

"[answering the phone] Hello? Debbie? Yeah, Debbie's here. Who is this? Well Ralph, Debbie can't talk right now. My dick's in her mouth. How about if I have her call you back later when I'm done? [hangs up] I love wrong numbers."

"Oh my God! I've been kidnapped by Huey and Dewey!"

"So, if I look like his mother and you look like his father, this is what our son would look like. Pretty strong argument for birth control."

"A tale of two kidnappers who wanted to be merciless but turned out to be hopeless."

"Sam Stone's wife has just been kidnapped... And he doesn't want her back!"

"Danny DeVito - Sam Stone"

"Bette Midler - Barbara Stone"

"Judge Reinhold - Ken Kessler"

"Helen Slater -Sandy Kessler"

"Abita Morris -Carol Dodsworth"

"Bill Pullman - Earl Mott"

"Art Evans - Lt. Bender"

"Clarence Felder - Lt. Walters"

"J.E. Freeman - Bedroom Killer"

"Gary Riley - Heavy Metal Kid"

"Phyllis Applegate - Loan Officer"

"Jeannine Bisignano - Hooker in Car"

"Ian McNeice - Blind Souvenir Vendor"

"Nick, I've tried everything: the embassy, the German government, the consulate. I even talked to the U.N. ambassador. It's no use, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm."

"Richard Mayes - Vladimir Biletnikov"

"Gertan Klauber - The Mayor"

"[on the phone] What is the condition of Sergeant Kruger? [pause] Very well, let me know if there is any change in his condition. [Hangs up] He's dead."

"Don't take it so hard Nick, life is filled with it's little miseries, each of us in his own way must learn to deal with adversity in a mature and adult fashion. [Sneezes into hands, screams and jumps out a window]"

"Go quickly. If they find out you've seen this, your life will be worth less than a truck load of dead rats in a tampon factory."

"Movie? What movie?"

"Don't tell anyone."

"From the makers of the original "Airplane!" (not the Wright brothers)"

"Val Kilmer - Nick Rivers"

"Lucy Gutteridge - Hillary Flammond"

"Christopher Villiers - Nigel "The Torch", Resistance Leader"

"Billy J. Mitchell - Martin, Nick's agent"

"Jeremy Kemp - General Streck"

"Omar Sharif - Agent Cedric"

"Peter Cushing - Bookstore Proprietor"

"Michael Gough - Dr. Paul Flammond"

"Warren Clarke - Colonel von Horst"

"Harry Ditson - Du Quois, Resistance Member"

"Jim Carter - Déjà Vu, Resistance Member"

"Eddie Tagoe - Chocolate Mousse, Resistance Member"

"John Sharp - Maitre'D"