Brainiac: Science Abuse

"This is a car. It's been specially chosen to be destroyed because it's old, it's white, but more importantly, because it's French."

"...that took Sir Isaac Newton's apple and turned it into cider."

"Stop! (Vic Reeves blows party whistle) The following recipe is dangerous. Do not try this at home...or anywhere else for that matter!"

"Dr Bunhead: Oh, get me a better potato! (laughter)"

"So, can (insert name here) still do his/her glitzy day job whilst being electrocuted? Yes/No."

"...that finds the quietest spot in the library, and spontaneously combusts."

"...that gently nibbles on the toes of science - and then bites its leg off."

"(alarm blares) Stop! (Hammond appears on screen) The following experiment is dangerous. Do not try this at home. (disappears, then reappears) No, really, don't."

"Dr Bunhead on the road,where science's biggest loser sets of in his trusty old van/old banger, peddling chemistry to the masses."

"You'll be forgiven for thinking it's snowing. It's not. That's actually pieces of caravan. It's been blown to smithereens."

"Super brainiac: saving the world with science!"

"Thaila Zucchi: one more act you can't do when receiving electric shocks."

"...a backstreet liposuction on the pudgy guts of science."

"...that zooms past speed cameras in science's car."

"...that wipes its bottom on science's face flannel."

"...that snorkels in cesspits."

"...that won the Nobel Prize - for pebble dashing."

"(alarm blares) Stop! (Hammond appears on screen) The following experiment is dangerous. For your safety and the protection of those around you, do not try this at home. (disappears, then reappears) No, really, don't."

"...a lot harder when you're being electrocuted."

"47-Second Science - tackling life's big questions in bite-sized chunks."

"Is it a day-glow ninja? Is it a flourescent madman? Yes,it's Super Brainiac! The result of an experiment that trebled his IQ to 42! His mission: to rid the world of toxic caravans!"

"Well, it would be cruel to kill a car-so let's kill a caravan."

"Charlotte Hudson: People who wear sunglasses are often seen as cool and trendy-apart from Liam Gallagher of course."

"I love science - not all that "what do you get if you mix this chemical with that chemical?" nonsense - [throws away the science magazine he was reading] I mean, proper science, like this - [picking up the tabloid newspaper on his lap] there's this bloke, German scientist, Franz Epping...he's come up with this theory that, staring at a woman's breasts for 30 minutes is the equivalent of a 30-minute workout. [closes the paper as camera zooms in on Hammond's face] Now that is an experiment I really wanna do."

"Is it a drain specialist? Is it a road sweeper? No,it's Super Brainiac! The result of a mistake in a laboratory. His mission: to rid the world of toxic caravans!"

"Jon (at the start of every teaser): Here's one for you..."

"...(insert action here), one more thing you can't do whilst being electrocuted."

"(Vic Reeves appears) Hey,you! Stop! The following experiment is dangerous. Do not try this at home...for pity's sake!"

"...a third nipple on the hairy chest of science."

"...a yellow stain on the sports sock of science."

"...a vampire bat in the underpants of science."

"...that tied science to the railway tracks and then boarded the 6:15 to Scarborough."

"...that tells its girlfriend not to wait up."

"...that doesn't curtsy to the Queen."

"...that's a bit like a school science lesson, without the teacher, the classroom...or the science."

"...that does for science what five pints of lager does for ugly women."

"...that takes science by the ankles, and dangles it over a crocodile swamp."

"...that puts science in tight underpants, and gives it a wedgie."

"...where we blow things up and then have a good look inside."

"...where we poke our nose into other people's business."

"...where we light the fuse and then leg it."

"...that never bothers to read the instructions."

"...that wipes its nose on the sleeve of science."

"...where we use and abuse science in the name of entertainment."

"...that winds up science until the veins throb in its neck."

"...that doesn't listen to its mummy."

"...that had proof of the Roswell aliens, but taped the football over it."

"...that wakes up in bed with science, and can't remember its name."

"...predicted by Nostradamus."

"...that grabs science by the whats-its and shakes madly."