"I hear so many things about who I am supposed to be I hardly know what to believe. I am willing to tell all, but what…"

"I am billed as a humorist, but of course I am a tragedian at heart."

"Borrowing has a bad name, but you would be surprised how it helps in a pinch."

"I borrow to pay my honest debts and not to squander foolishly. What's more, I confine my borrowing to those who can w…"

"I think you are absolutely right about everything, except I think humor springs from rage, hay fever, overdue rent an…"

"I only know that all is lost, and that nothing can help me unless I inherit money, strike oil or go to work."

"The Modern Man or Nervous Wreck is the highest of all mammals because anyone can see that he is. There are about 2,00…"

"[Footnote:]Each male has from 2 to 790 females with whom he discusses current events. Of these he marries from 3 to 17."

"Aristotle described the Crow as chaste. In some departments of knowledge, Aristotle was too innocent for his own good."

"Ah, well! We live and learn, or, anyway, we live."