First Quote Added
April 10, 2026
Latest Quote Added
"[Before ending credits] Thanks for watching our motherfucking movie!"
"Jim Carrey - Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans (the father of Triplets)"
"Hi, ladies. My name is Charlie Baileygates. Would you like to see my weasel?"
"[To FBI agents and police arrived to find him tied to tree with live chicken's head in rectum] Would someone please get this chicken out of my ass?"
"Zen Gesner - Agent Petersen"
"Chris Cooper - Lt. Gerke"
"I got no beef with you. This is between me and the kid."
"[When a guy throws a cigarette butt onto the ground] Well fuck my ozone."
"[To Irene] Name's Hank, Hank Evans; for little girls..."
"[To Charlie/Hank's sons after handcuffing him to door of patrol vehicle] I promise you when I find your old man, I am personally gonna fuck him up!"
"Richard Jenkins - Agent Boshane"
"Daniel Greene - Dickie Thurman"
"Mike Cerrone - Officer Stubie"
"Rex Allen Jr. (voice) - Narrator"
"I'm not leaving till the morning, but you know the rules when I go: no bitches after eleven."
"Wanna start me up? Open the choke and pull the cord down. I'm due for Seismic event and you're dancing the fault line."
"Arrivederci, deadwood."
"[Driving while singing along to The Dwarve’s MotherFucker song on the radio with Irene paranoidly recoiled as far as possible from him in her seat holding a lawn dart as a potential weapon] I'm a Motherfucker! I'm a Motherfucker! I'm a [repeatedly] Mo... [glances over at Irene looking paranoid] Whoa, whoa, whoa. [Turns off radio] What's the buzz? Tell me what's happenin'."
"Ever been bitch slapped?"
"Well looky here, it's a human Q-tip."
"Man, how the hell can they call Pluto a planet?! No motherfucking planet has an elliptical orbit! This shit don't make no sense!"
"[Upon leaving gas station store and seeing Hank Evans urinating into the tank of his vehicle] Get your cock out of my Chrysler, you son of a bitch!"
"Renée Zellweger - Irene P. Waters, Charlie's 2nd wife (the stepmother of Triplets)"
"Robert Forster - Colonel Partington"
"Rob Moran - Trooper Finneran"
"Traylor Howard - Layla Baileygates, Charlie's 1st wife (the mother of Triplets)"
"Tony Cox - Shonté Jackson, Layla's boyfriend"
"The Baileygates Triplets"
"John-Eliot Jordan - Pizza Boy"
"Michael Bowman - Whitey/Casper/Milky"
"[A beginning montage of Charlie/Hank is riding his patrolbike] Meet Charlie. Helpful dad. Upstanding citizen. And an 18 year veteran of the greatest law enforcement agency in the land, The Rhode Island State Police. That's Charlie's home. Modest like the man. Even though he lived on the water, Charlie wasn't much of a swimmer. Which will come into play a little later in our story. But i'm getting way ahead of myself. You know maybe it's best if we just go back and beging at the beginning."
"It's funny how a man reacts when his heart gets broken. Some break down and cry like a baby. Others, they take out an Uzi and climb a clock tower."
"Charlie's like origami, he folds under pressure."
"Just because I rock doesn't mean I'm made of stone."
"Yeah, she's pretty much screwed. Come on, I'll buy you a beer."
"Had enough? Up yours."
"That was me. Yeah, big deal. The guy's got his glassjaw."
"This is my body! Do you understand that? I'm calling the shots from now on, Hank. I don't need you to fight my battles for me. If you back down from something this important, you're nothing at all. YOU'RE NOTHING AT ALLLLLLLLLLLLLL!"
"[After Hank crashes the guy's car into his shop] There ya go, buddy. I parked it for ya. And by the way, you got a headlight out. [Puts ticket on the windshield]"
"[To Irene] Come on, don't be mad, my little pussy-fart."
"[After Dicky falls on Hank] Warden. I want my own cell."
"[Being chased by FBI agents] Free hot dogs here, all you can eat! Get your foot long and a bag of nuts!"
"We just got a report that he put six bullets into a prize cow's head. Poor thing's lucky to be alive. [Charlie's sons look at each other; Lee Harvey raises an eyebrow]"
"[Referring to father Charlie/Hank to FBI agents] He may have advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage. But he is a very gentle person!"
"[On Charlie's new chin sporting a chin dimple] He sure is a Spartacus looking motherfucker!"
"I've seen it first-hand; the guy's nuttier than squirrel turds!"
"Will you marry me, bitch?"
"My, what big zits he has. How does this happen?"
"Special Agent Drixobenzometaphedrimine. Drixenol! The brand that eases your coughs and sneezes. Warning - do not exceed recommended dosage. If symptoms persist, consult a physician. May cause drowsiness. Do not attempt to operate heavy machinery. Pregnant women should not handle broken tablets."
"It's all shoveled out. And the hippo's asleep. I'm gonna take Shane to Docky's."