"Maybe I'm spending too much of my time starting up clubs and putting on plays. I should probably be trying harder to score chicks. That's all anyone really cares about."

"I saved Latin. What did you ever do?"

"[Introducing his play "Heaven and Hell"] Also, you'll find a pair of safety glasses and some earplugs under your seats. Please feel free to use them."

"[to Dr. Peter] I was punched in the face. What's your excuse?"

"[to Rosemary] So we both have dead people in our families."

"[to Rosemary] I'm sorry, I just came by to thank you for WRECKING MY LIFE!"

"Well, tell that stupid mick he just made my list of things to do today."

"I wrote a hit play!"

"[to Rosemary] Rushmore was my life, now you are."

"You think I got kicked out for just the aquarium? Nah, it was the handjob. And you wanna know something else? It was worth it."

"[to Rosemary] Sic transit gloria. Glory fades. I'm Max Fischer...."

"[Speech to the students of Rushmore Academy] You guys have it real easy. I never had it like this where I grew up. But I send my kids here because the fact is you go to one of the best schools in the country: Rushmore. Now, for some of you it doesn't matter. You were born rich and you're going to stay rich. But here's my advice to the rest of you: Take dead aim on the rich boys. Get them in the crosshairs and take them down. Just remember, they can buy anything but they can't buy backbone. Don't let them forget it. Thank you."

"Mmm, I'm a little bit lonely these days"

"Never in my wildest imagination did I ever dream I would have sons like these."

"Kids don't like it when their parents get divorced."

"[Describing Max to the police] 112 pounds. Black hair. Glasses... Oval face."

"She's sweet, but she's fucked up."

"Did Max have something planned for us today? A trip to a museum or something?"

"Oh yeah and with friends like you who needs friends?"

"[On a walkie-talkie] There's action across the street. [static] It's Snowman! Take him!"

"[to Max] I just wanted to say, I'm sorry I threw rocks at you that day."

"...I knew for sure when they went skinny-dipping in Mr. Blume's pool while giving eachother handjobs..."

"You're a married man, Blume."

"I'm not even here right now, I'm in Cheyenne Wyoming."

"Magnus Buchan: I always wanted to be in one of your fuckin' plays."

"Bert Fischer: [to Herman] Are you fond of that moustache?"

"Mr. Littlejeans: Best play ever, man."

"Rosemary: Nihil Sanctisne?, Is nothing sacred?"

"Found on Max Fischer's Mother's Grave Stone: All paths of glory lead but to the grave."

"Found in the book Diving for Sunken Treasure: When one man, for whatever the reason, has the ability to lead an extraordinary life, he has no right to keep it to himself."

"Love. Expulsion. Revolution."

"All's fair when love is war."

"Jason Schwartzman - Max Fischer"

"Bill Murray - Herman Blume"

"Olivia Williams - Rosemary Cross"

"Seymour Cassel - Bert Fischer"

"Brian Cox - Dr. Nelson Guggenheim"

"Mason Gamble - Dirk Calloway"

"Sara Tanaka - Margaret Yang"

"Stephen McCole - Magnus Buchan"

"Connie Nielsen - Mrs. Calloway"

"Luke Wilson - Dr. Peter Flynn"