Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex* (*But Were Afraid to Ask) (film)

"Before you know it, the Renaissance will be here and we'll all be painting."

"With most grievous dispatch I shall open the latch to get at her snatch!"

"[the King has caught the Fool hiding in the Queen's dress] Hi Milord! Remember when you said if I was ever in town, I should look up your wife?"

"Can we please have an erection? What the hell is going on down there?"

"I don't know if you've read my book, "Advanced Sexual Positions: How to Achieve Them Without Laughing.""

"When it comes to sex, there are some mysteries that should remain unexplored. And with my luck, they always will be."

"Gina: [in Italian] Fabrizio, my darling, go easy on my hymen."

"Sperm #1: I'm not getting shot out of that thing. What if he's masturbating? I'm liable to end up on the ceiling."

"Divorce Court Judge: The defendant did commit an adulterous act with a sheep - most distasteful in view of the fact that the sheep was under 18 years old."

"The Queen: Didst I feel aright or didst I feel that thy two hands did upon my royal body cop a feel?"

"You haven't seen anything until you've seen everything"

"If you want to know how this man made a movie out of this book... "Everything you always wanted to know about sex* - *But Were Afraid to Ask" you'll have to see the movie!"

"Woody Allen - Victor Shakapopulis / Fabrizio / The Fool / Sperm"

"Jack Barry - Himself"

"John Carradine - Dr. Bernardo"

"Erin Fleming - The Girl"

"Elaine Giftos - Mrs. Ross"

"Lou Jacobi - Sam Musgrave"

"Louise Lasser - Gina"

"Robert Q. Lewis - Himself"

"Heather MacRae - Helen Lacey"

"Pamela Mason - Herself"

"Sidney Miller - George"

"Regis Philbin - Himself"

"Anthony Quayle - The King"

"Tony Randall - The Operator"

"Lynn Redgrave - The Queen"

"Burt Reynolds - Switchboard"

"Ref Sanchez - Igor"

"Gene Wilder - Dr. Ross"