"Here are this week's horoscopes: […] Scorpio: Curse you. Curse your family. Curse your children. And your children's children. Vile, vile Scorpio. […] Capricorn: Those were not contact lenses you put in this morning. Best not to think about this again. Pisces: You've won a brand new car! […] Gemini: You will meet someone today who will have no effect on your life. And you will immediately forget. […] Leo: It's better that I don't read this aloud. Better that you not know. Tell your family that you love them. That has been this week's horoscope."