"Since Halo Infinite takes influence from open world shooters, there is a quite inexhaustible supply of bastards because what else are you gonna do in post-ending fuckabouts mode? I say "takes influence from open worlds" rather than flat out "is an open world". Certainly there's an open world in it. One that showed up late to the final exam for open worlds and had to hastily scribble out an assignment that it turned out was from last year's syllabus. It's like some board of directors heard about this open world thing the kids like and told market research to compile a powerpoint, and they came back with "copy pasted towers and base assaults as far as the eye can see". And besides when it forces you to climb four copy pasted towers spread out around the map before it lets you into the next part, the overall plot doesn't really engage with the open world. Completing the optional base assaults or side activities doesn't give you any significant edge in standard gameplay, since the most powerful pew pew laser guns are always conveniently strewn around every combat and boss arena like mini-fridges in hotel rooms and none of the optional crap you can do makes them pew pew any harder. For you see while Halo is flirting with open worlds, it will never stray from its true love: shiny corridors. Its eye might have briefly been drawn by the open world's sensuous curves but its love for shiny corridors is the kind of unyielding emotional bedrock on which contented marriages are built. So the open world sections are separated by plot missions where you complete inescapable sequences of enclosed arenas connected by shiny corridors now you're done fooling about with your open world hussy. And I feel Halo Infinite should've picked a lane. Why not go full Breath of the Wild? Maybe Ms. Open World can't offer stability, but it might've livened up your dull middle age, Halo. Trying to talk the missus into this undignified polyamory is only going to look bad in divorce court. But with an open world comes a need for traversal mechanics, most Halo vehicles flip over if they drive over anything larger than a chocolate raisin and the terrain is usually about as even as a section of your grandmother's upper thigh served with crinkle cut chips, so to counterbalance all that, Master Chief gets a fucking hookshot. And I fucking love it! It's not as fast or as versatile as, say, the Just Cause hookshot, probably because it has to haul around the dump truck Master Chief is constantly wearing and all the Mars bars secreted in the glove compartment, but there are very few games that wouldn't be improved by a grappling hook. Losing at Civilization wouldn't be so bad if I had the option of a dignified exit. So I was hook-shotting up to vantage points to descend upon enemy bases, hook-shotting into vehicles to hijack them, and outside the open world, hook-shotting my merry way down shiny corridors to avoid wearing out Master Chief's plimsolls. But for some reason the game seems to have mistaken this core traversal mechanic for a gimmicky gadget. You have to unequip the grappling hook to use deployable cover, dodge thrusters or see enemies through Walls-o-Vision. So guess what three things I never fucking used."
Zero Punctuation

January 1, 1970

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Added on April 10, 2026
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