"Could somebody, please, invade America? I know it's not exactly prime real estate, and can just about produce corn and shitty TV, but someone really needs to help them blow off some steam. It's hard not to look at all these war games about Russia invading America and not be reminded of fan fiction. America is a fat teenage virgin lying on her front on her bed staring up at her Edward and Bella poster, while crossing and uncrossing her ankles and dreamily writing creepy stories about having filthy monkey sex with the quiet Eastern European boy down the road. And the child psychologist hired by her concerned parents gives the following advice: "What this girl needs is a good hard dicking!" So come on, Russia, take the hint. World War III, let's do it! Yeah, lots of people will die, but it's not like the human race couldn't use a bit of a pruning now and then. What about you, China? You got loads of people to spare, you selfish bastards. I say, ram a few of them up America's rancid hairy funhole and maybe she can remember how to act like a grownup. And come like a howler monkey! Anyway, here's America's latest virginal howler monkey sex fantasy: Call of Duty Black Ops, another opportunity for the Call of Duty franchise to wave military hardware in our faces and go, "PHWOARR, eh?""