"Then there's a feller who got hit by a train! How the - how the heck do y'get hit by a train! I mean it's not like it…"

"This lady's suin' everybody in the whole friggin' county! She's like-- she's like, "My husband got his leg bit by a s…"

"Oh like you never did that before! Every man - every man has done this! Just tuck your weiner between your legs, run …"

"That was scarier than Richard Simmons chasin' after you with a box of rubbers!"

"Boy I tell you what, if I were a girl, I'd never shave! I'd look like I'm smuggling around Chewbacca in my underbritc…"

"(intro) Well, here we go. This is the first book I've written since 1975, when I was in the 7th grade and wrote Booge…"

"I used to be a bitch. I met her at Hooters. She didn't have big boobs, but she could turn her head in a circle just l…"

"A great-great grandpa (there might be another great in there, I'm not sure) offered a gun and horse to anyone that wo…"

"Actually, you can make pretty good cash on stage without being a comedian or a stripper. My brother once won a talent…"

"[In reference to Playstation Football] Here's an idea! Why don't they make a button that says frickin' "pass"!"