"What do you think I'm trying to do?. Look, I got news for you. I'm not locked up in the men's room with a cop because it's a good time. Frankly, I've had better times, okay? I'm here because I think the story is wrong. Is it? Is it? If you have something, give it to me now, but don't stand there and act coy and say "Fuck you", because, quite frankly, it's a waste of all of our time. And you know what? I don't have any more time. I have no more fucking time. I need it fucking today, I need it right now!"

"Jack Kehoe as Phil"

"Don't take the bat out of my hand. It's the ninth inning."

"Michael Keaton as Henry Hackett"

"It's a Marx Brothers movie every time I step in my office."

"Glenn Close as Alicia Clark"

"Lynne Thigpen as Janet"

"A clipboard and a confident wave will get you into any building in the world!"

"Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me."

"Wear a tie for the interview. And promise me you won't torpedo it on purpose, okay?"

"One of our security guards actually tried to frisk me. We're having drinks later."

"Because your whole world can change in 24 hours."

"[Before attacking McDougal] Get outta my way!"

"You got an honest-to-God exclusive."

"Robert Duvall as Bernie White"

"Jason Robards as Graham Keighley"

"Catherine O'Hara as Susan"

"[Martha wants to talk to Henry] I've got 64 seconds. What's wrong?"

"A behind the lines look at work, marriage and other forms of combat..."

"Don't ask marital advice from a guy with two ex-wives and a daughter who won't speak to me."

"I can't stay. I have to put the paper to bed. But what do you say we all get together later and go have some dessert at that... place."

"We taint them today, we make them look good on Saturday. Everybody's happy."

"[After firing a shot inside Henry's office] Let Marty talk to her husband. Please."

"[Alicia has followed Graham into the men's restroom; she is met with awkward stares from the men] I'd love it if you weren't here."

"[After fighting with Bernie in the industrial printing press floor] You... are... so... fucking... fired!"

"Oh, come on! I dump a big, fat juicy steak in your lap, and you ask for sauce?"

"[A very pregnant Martha struggles in the morning] Bladder control, you don't miss it until it's gone."

"Big scoop from the TV guys. Pinhead's brother cancels trip."

"I've bought the goddamn chair! Now it's your problem, Henry!"

"Alicia's going to have to kiss my ass on this one. Come on, baby! Right here, baby!"

"Don't just take a position because it's the opposite of what she says! It's like watching a bunch of sixth graders, for Christ's sake!"

"[Vinnie eating a donut] Vinnie, can you bring your creamy friend along with you and join us?"

"You wanna cover Brooklyn, then cover Brooklyn! But let me tell you something, you can't cover Brooklyn from a barstool in Manhattan."

"Marisa Tomei as Martha Hackett"

"Randy Quaid as Michael McDougal"

"Jason Alexander as Marion Sandusky"

"Spalding Gray as Paul Bladden"

"Sometimes you can just smell a horrendously shitty day on the way, can't you?"

"The problem with being my age is everybody thinks you're a father figure but you're really just the same asshole you always were."

"If we get art on the two kids at the walk of shame, it's "Gotcha!"."

"Roma Maffia as Carmen"

"[Reading in a dictionary] Deadline: A date or time before which something must be done."

"Well, you're in management now. If everybody loved you, you'd be doing something wrong."

"[to his viewers from his show at the beginning of the movie] I'd like you to meet a new friend of mine. His name is Lloyd Vogel. [opens a door in the picture board to reveal a photo of a traumatized Lloyd Vogel] Someone hurt my friend Lloyd, and not just on his face. He is having a hard time forgiving the person who hurt him. Do you, do you know what that means? To forgive? It's a decision we make to release a person from the feelings of anger we have at them. It's strange, but sometimes it's hardest of all to forgive someone we love."

"I don't think anybody can grow unless he really is accepted exactly as he is."

"Christine Lahti - Ellen"

"Noah Harpster - Todd"

"Tammy Blanchard - Lorraine Vogel"

"Wendy Makkena - Dorothy Vogel"