Mel Brooks

"All the apprehensions that surface in Brooks's comedy have the same eventual source: a fear — or, to put it more positively, a hatred — of death."

"Mel Brooks has all the consistency of Spike Milligan, the subtle self-censorship of Benny Hill, and the human warmth of Bob Monkhouse. It's a good job he has the brassneck and occasional brainstorms of Mel Brooks or he would be a monster."

"Mel is sensual with me. He treats me like an uncle — a dirty uncle. He's an earthy man and very moral underneath. He has traditional values."

"Lady, it rose below vulgarity."

"Who's the dummy writing this show?!"

"I was in the middle of shooting the last few weeks of Blazing Saddles somewhere in the Antelope Valley, and Gene Wilder and I were having a cup of coffee and he said, I have this idea that there could be another "Frankenstein." I said not another — we've had the son of, the cousin of, the brother-in-law, we don't need another Frankenstein. His idea was very simple: What if the grandson of Dr. Frankenstein wanted nothing to do with the family whatsoever. He was ashamed of those wackos. I said, "That's funny.""

"Comedy is a weird but very beautiful thing. Even though it seems foolish and silly and crazy, comedy has the most to say about the human condition. Because if you can laugh, you can get by. You can survive when things are bad when you have a sense of humor."

"As long as the world is turning and spinning, we're gonna be dizzy and we're gonna make mistakes."

"If they [presidents] can't do it to their wives, they do it to their country."

"To me, tragedy is if I'll cut my finger, that's tragedy...Comedy is if you walk into an open sewer and die."

"[explaining that Paul Revere was Anti-Semitic] He was scared they were moving into the neighborhood. "They're coming, they're coming. The Yiddish, they're coming""

"After I eat asparagus..."

"You know Cuneiform? You know Sanskrit? It's neither of those."

"Angel of Death ain't kissing me! I'm full of garlic!"

"It's Wheird, there's an H in there. Gotta hit that H otherwise they think I'm some sort of a kook!"

"[on ancient poetry] Nog Nog! Mkellen bebog! V'luch Matuch Maluch M'tog!"

"[on the greatest invention] Liquid Prell."

"No! You don't wear a hat on your gentles! You wear a hat on your head where you're supposed to wear a hat!"

"[On Churchill's Accent] "Ve must conquer da Narjies!" Now, we were fighting and killing Nazis. We all left and went looking for Narjies!"

"Max Bialystock: That's it, baby, when you've got it, flaunt it, flaunt it!"

"Max Bialystock: I'm wearing a cardboard belt!"

"Stormtrooper Mel : Don't be stupid, be a smarty Come and join the Nazi Party!"

"LSD as Adolf Hitler: Heil Baby!"

"Lead Tenor Stormtrooper: Springtime, for Hitler, and Germany Winter, for Poland and France!"

"Max Bialystock: How could this happen? I was so careful. I picked the wrong play, the wrong director, the wrong cast. Where did I go right?"

"Leo Bloom: Actors are not animals! They're human beings! Max Bialystock: They are? Have you ever eaten with one?"

"Hope for the best. Expect the worst. The world's a stage. We're unrehearsed. No way of knowing which way it's going. Take your chances, there are no answers. Hope for the best. Expect the worst."

"Jim "The Waco Kid": My name is Jim, but most people call me...Jim."

"Sheriff Bart: Good mornin', ma'am! And isn't it a lovely mornin'? Old Woman: Up yours, nigger! Jim "The Waco Kid": [consoling Bart afterwards]: What did you expect? "Welcome, sonny"? "Make yourself at home"? "Marry my daughter"? You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers … these are people of the land … the common clay of the New West. You know – morons."

"Sheriff Bart: Excuse me while I whip this out."

"Sheriff Bart: Where the white women at?"

"Railway Worker: You shifty nigger! They said you was hung! Sheriff Bart : And they was right!"

"Sheriff Bart [waking up a drunk Jim in jail]: Are we awake? Jim "The Waco Kid": We're not sure. Are we...black? Sheriff Bart: Yes, we are. Jim "The Waco Kid": Then we're awake, but we're very puzzled."

"Sheriff Bart: Since I am your host and you are my guest what are your hobbies? What do you like to do in your free time? Jim "The Waco Kid": Oh you know, play chess...screw. Sheriff Bart: (Quickly) Let's play chess!"

"Igor: My grandfather used to work for your grandfather. Of course the rates have gone up."

"Igor (limping off): Walk this way — and Dr. Frankenstein limps off after him."

"Dr. Frankenstein:: Igor, would you give me a hand with the bags? Igor:: [doing a Groucho Marx] Certainly, you take the blonde and I'll take the one in the turban."

"Igor:: Sed-a... Inga:: Sed-a... Igor:: Dirty word! He said a dirty word!"

"Dr. Frankenstein Damn your eyes! Igor (pointing at his lazy eye) Too late!"

"Josephus: I'm Josephus, and I'm the main course over at the Colosseum!"

"Count de Monet: [consistently mispronounced as "count da money"] Bearnaise? Bernaise: Yes? Count de Monet: Do we have any of those delicious raisins left? Bearnaise: You ate yours. These are mine. Count de Monet: Au contraire, they are mine! I paid for them! Hand them over! Bearnaise: [gives the bag of raisins to the Count, sotto voce, mimicking] 'Au contraire, I paid for them! They're mine!' [blows a raspberry] Count de Monet: Don't be saucy with me, Bearnaise! Bernaise: [mouths] Bitch."

"Count de Monet: It is said that the people are revolting King Louis XVI: You said it. They stink on ice."

"Impoverished Paris Street Merchant (Jack Carter): Rats, rats for sale. Get your rats. Good for rat stew, rat soup, or the ever-popular ratatouille."

"Other Street Merchant: Nothing, I have absolutely nothing for sale!"

"King Louis XVI: [prior to his arrest] It's good to be the king. [also used in Robin Hood- Men In Tights and The Producers [Musical]]"

"Tomás de Torquemada: It's better to lose your skullcap than your skull."

"Moses: Lord, I shall give these laws unto thy people. Do you hear me? Do you hear me?! All pay heed! The Lord! The Lord Jehovah has given unto you these fifteen- [drops one of the tablets] Oy. Ten! Ten commandments! For all to obey!"

"Madame Defarge: And now, let us end this meeting on a high note. [proceeds to sing a sharp high note, followed by the rest of the revolutionaries]"

"Jail Inmates: Eighty fff...Eighty fff...Eighty fff...Eighty fff...Eighty Six!"

"Excuse me, is this England?"