"I can say that. I have a television show."

"Wouldn't it be funny if that girl got raped by like, five guys right now? Like right now? What if a bunch of guys jus…"

"Even when I was a kid, my imaginary friend would play with the kid across the street. I'd be like, "Hey, so I guess I…"

"I'm a lousy piece of ass, and I should know every woman I have been with has told me, so I've been there almost every…"

"The floor is lava! That's the lava game, when you pretend that the floor is lava and you climb up on all the furnitur…"

"You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with, "I'm not honest, but you'…"

"I don't think I could stab somebody, 'cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun."

"Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then …"

"I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed."

"Babies aren't dishwasher-safe."