"Somebody pinch me. You know what? I'm a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough. Somebody shoot me in the face. …"

"I believe it's yogurt, but I refuse to believe it's not butter."

"Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a sub-prime fish loan and you're in business, buddy."

"I didn't realize quite how liberal I was until I was asked to make passionate comedic choices as opposed to necessari…"

"(on Alex Jones) He is a terrible person who lies for a living."

"Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt."

"Such a proud moment of professionalism. You work for years crafting cogent satirical essays and the thing that everyb…"

"My character is self-important, poorly informed, well-intentioned, but an idiot… So we said, "Let's give him a promot…"

"Truthiness is tearing apart our country, and I don't mean the argument over who came up with the word. I don't know w…"

"Well, I thought it was funny."