"(to Michael, when the two of them are drinking at a bar) We don't have a lot of time on this Earth! We weren't meant to spend it this way! Human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles staring at computer screens all day, filling out useless forms and listening to eight different bosses drone on about mission statements!"

"Michael, I did nothing. I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything I thought it could be."

"(after Michael's computer virus has taken $300,000 over the weekend, and the trio try to absolve themselves) I can't believe what a bunch of nerds we are. We're looking up "money laundering" in a dictionary."

"(after asking Peter to come in and work on Saturday) Ah, ah, I almost forgot... I'm also going to need you to go ahead and come in on Sunday, too. We, uhhh, lost some people this week and we sorta need to play catch-up. Thaaaaaanks."

"I'm going to need those TPS reports... ASAP..."

"...So, if you could do that, that would be great..."

"(repeated lines including variants) Hello, Peter. What's happenin'?"

"[Waiting at the bus stop; also his first lines] I-I was told that if I was late again, I would be summarily dismissed..."

"[After Peter tells him to turn his radio down] I was told that I could listen to the radio at a reasonable volume from nine to eleven, I told Bill that if Sandra is going to listen to her headphones while she's filing then I should be able to listen to the radio while I'm collating so I don't see why I should have to turn down the radio because I enjoy listening at a reasonable volume from nine to eleven."

"[Talking to Peter on the phone] And I said, I don't care if they lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I'm, I'm quitting, I'm going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they've moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were merry, but then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn't bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and it's not okay because if they take my stapler then I'll set the building on fire..."

"The ratio of cake to people is too big..."

"I could set the building on fire..."

"I believe you have my stapler..."

"[on holiday in Mexico, having taken the traveller's cheques from Initech before burning the place down, also absolving Peter] Excuse me? Excuse me, senor? May I speak to you please? I asked for a mai tai, and they brought me a pina colada, and I said no salt, NO salt for the margarita, but it had salt on it, big grains of salt, floating in the glass..."

"And yes, I won't be leaving a tip, 'cause I could... I could shut this whole resort down. Sir? I'll take my traveler's checks to a competing resort. I could write a letter to your board of tourism and I could have this place condemned. I could put... I could put... strychnine in the guacamole. There was salt on the glass, BIG grains of salt."

"Cockgobblers!"

"There was nothing wrong with it [his name]... until I was about twelve years old and that no-talent ass clown became famous and started winning Grammys."

"PC LOAD LETTER? What the fuck does that mean?"

"[Regarding the malfunctioning fax/copy machine] That thing's lucky I'm not armed."

"What would ya say... ya do here?"

"Yes, I am also not a pussy."

"[first lines, when he is in his car, driving to work and stuck in the traffic jam with Peter and Michael] Mother shitter, son of an ass! You, I just!"

"[drunk singing] Back up in your ass with the resurrection."

"[frustrated with the malfunctioning printer] Why does it say "Paper Jam" when there is no paper jam?!"

"[Repeated line] Fuckin' A!"

"[When asked by Peter if anybody has ever said "Sounds like somebody's got a case of the Mondays"] No. No, man. Shit, no, man. I believe you'd get your ass kicked sayin' something like that, man."

"[When Peter prepares to confess to stealing from his company, which will mean certain jail time.] Hey, Peter...watch your cornhole, bud."

"Work Sucks"

"Yeeeeaaaahh, I'm gonna need you to come in on Saturday..."

"Ron Livingston - Peter Gibbons"

"Jennifer Aniston - Joanna"

"David Herman - Michael Bolton"

"Ajay Naidu - Samir Nagheenanajar"

"Diedrich Bader - Lawrence"

"Brian Carlos - Vincent Porter"

"Jon Schroeder - Ernest Porter"

"Stephen Root - Milton Waddams"

"Gary Cole - Bill Lumbergh"

"Richard Riehle - Tom Smykowski"

"Alexandra Wentworth - Anne"

"Joe Bays - Dom Portwood"

"John C. McGinley - Bob Slydell"

"Paul Willson - Bob Porter"