Brighton Beach Memoirs

"Eugene Morris Jerome...It is the second worst name ever given to a male child. The first worst is Haskell Fleischmann..."

"If only I was born Italian...All the best Yankees are Italian...My mother makes spaghetti with ketchup, what chance do I have?"

"I felt her chest! When she grabbed me, I felt my first chest!"

"Attention, ladies and gentlemen! Today's game will be delayed because of my aunt Blanche's headache..."

"I love tense moments! Especially when I'm not the one they're all tense about."

"If I had a choice between a tryout with the Yankees and actually seeing her [Nora's] bare breasts for two and a half seconds, I would have some serious thinking to do..."

"(On his father) "He was born at the age of forty-two..."

"It started out like a murder mystery in Blenheim castle. No one said a word, but everyone looked suspicious...It was so quiet, you could hear Laurie's soup going down her esophagus."

"The tension in the air was so thick, you could cut it with a knife. Which is more than I could say for the liver.""

"It's amazing how quickly you recover from misery when someone offers you ice cream."

"How am I going to become a writer if I don't know how to suffer? Actually, I'd give up writing if I could see a naked girl while I was eating ice cream."

"You don't get too far talking to Laurie. Sometimes I think the flutter in her heart is actually in her brain."

"A momentous moment in the life of I, Eugene Morris Jerome. I have seen the Golden Palace of the Himalayas.... Puberty is over. Onwards and upwards!"

"If my mother taught logic in high school, this would be some weird country"

"It was (he whispers)- cancer! I think they're afraid if they if they said it out loud, G*d would say,"I HEARD THAT! YOU SAID THE DREAD DISEASE! (he points his finger down) JUST FOR THAT, I SMITE YOU WITH IT!""

"Your father will give you plenty of stuff when he gets home!"

"Stay on your own side of the street. That's what they have gutters for."

"From your lips to the Irish sweepstakes..."

"I never voted before in my life, why should I start with my own family?"

"STOP THAT YELLING! I HAVE A CAKE IN THE OVEN!"

"This is a family. The world doesn't survive without families..."

"You know me. I'm not happy unless I an worry. My family were worriers. Worriers generally marry fainters."

"Pearls are like people. They like to go out and be seen once in a while."

"Do you think you're the only one in this world who has troubles? We all have troubles. We all get our equal share."

"How many beatings from Momma did I get from things that you did? How many dresses did I go without so that you could look like someone when you went out? I was the workhorse and you were the pretty one. You have no right to talk to me like that. No right."

"To me good friends are strangers. But sisters are sisters."

"Dancing is just for a few years. A diploma is forever."

"When have the Jews and the Irish ever fought a war?"

"But mostly, you live for your children. Your children keep you going."

"Sure, it hurts, but if you love someone, you forgive them."

"You earn your independence. You don't take it at the expense of others."

"Believe me, there is no leg that's twisted or bent that is more crippling than a human being who thrives of his own misfortunes..."

"I am tired of apologizing. After a while it becomes your life's work and it doesn't bring any money into the house."

"I've already buried someone I love. Now it's time to bury someone I hate."

"I'm staring into space. I can't help it if your body interferes."

"I had to chop the ice. I'm all out of breath."

"How'd you like an official American League Baseball in your mouth?"

"Let me give you a piece of advice: When you're going through puberty, don't start with anyone in your own house."

"Her breasts were gorgeous. Like two peaches hanging on the the vine waiting to be plucked...Maybe nectarines. Like two nectarines, all soft and pink and shining in the morning sun..."

"Every time I get in trouble, I have to tell you what a naked girl looks like?...Do me a favor, Eugene. Go in the bathroom, whack off, and grow up by yourself."

"If you ever write a story about me, call me Hank. I always liked the name Hank."

"Sit down, mom, because I don't want you fainting on the floor."

"I'm going to be in a Broadway show!"

"Then I found his coat in Mom's closet and I put my hand in the pocket. And everything was gone. It was emptied and dry-cleaned and it felt cold...And that's when I knew he was really dead."

"At his funeral i'll put on a pointy hat and blow a horn, the bastard!"

"If you're Jewish, you've got a cousin suffering somewhere in the world."

"What God gives us to deal with, we deal with."

"Me? Attractive? You really must think I'm dying, don't you?"