"When I'm pining for a cigarette, I think of all the free ones that I'd get, if I killed myself and came back as a bea…"

"Mention The Lord of the Rings just once more, and I'll more than likely kill you."

"Brian Moore's head looks uncannily like London Planetarium."

"There was one in the gang who had Scalextric, and because of that he thought he was better than you."

"I could put a tennis racket up against my face and pretend that I am Kendo Nagasaki."

"There's people who can't spell 'weird' right driving round with thousands in the bank; but I get by, got a lot on my …"

"The three men I admire most -- the father, son, and Mickie Most -- took the last train for the coast, and rendezvouse…"

"I know Bono and he knows Ono, she knows Eno whose phone goes thus: "Brian's not home, he's at the North Pole, but if …"

"She died with her telly on, 87 and confused, With not enough hospital beds 'cos all the money’s been used, On the end…"

"No frills, handy for the hills, that's the way you spell New Mills."