Kevin Smith

"God is a great concept, [but it] doesn't work"

"Ten years in and we bone like we're cheating on each other WITH each other. A decade-plus and her clit/brown/taint-area still pOwns my dick."

"Sir, I just think that's it's fucking brilliant that you somehow managed to tie Chuck Norris, Chewbacca the Wookie, and Jesus Christ together."

"Guy from audience: Your wife is your beard! Kevin: My wife is my beard isn't she?... Oh, sir, who was it? It was you? That was your move. 'Cause in your head you're going "I'm gonna yell out your wife is your beard and they'll laugh like they laughed at the rock guy!" And you yelled it out, you got it out there, you had the guts to do it and shit, and then I even echoed it for you just in case the cheap seats didn't hear it, and there was fucking crickets, sir."

"What happened to Riggs?"

"What's your name, new best friend?"

"In Hollywood, you just kind of fail upwards."

""[as Tim Burton] Anyone who knows me will tell you that I would never read a comic book." Which, to me, explains fucking Batman."

"A science fiction movie? I don't know. I think I have made one already... Chasing Amy. Because you go ask any lesbian, that'll never happen. Even if, and probably especially because, the dude is Ben fucking Affleck."

"They are creepy, too, man. Those puppets don't make me feel good. I'll be honest, nothing about this show makes me feel good."

"There would always be a bunch of fucking grousers and nay-sayers being like "that was uncalled for.""

"Look at my dick."

"Don't get me wrong, I love Schindler's List, but it's not like "Hey, man, let's get loaded and watch Schindler's List." - SModcast 4: Can I get a (Masturbatory) Witness"

"Americans tend to celebrate even the most mediocre or basic accomplishments... It's like weddings to me. Why is that a big deal?... Why do you have to have a big shindig where you're, like, "Look, we're doing it" and everybody applauds and throws shit in your face. - SModcast 1: Fisting Flipper"