Josh Billings

"There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness. (p. 235)"

"Misanthropy don't pay--thare aint no man living whoze hate the world cares one cuss for."

"Poor human natur iz too full ov its own grievances tew have enny pitty to spare,--if yu show a man a big bile on yure arm, he will tell yu he had one twice az big az that, on the same spot, last year."

"If I had 4 fust rate dogs i would name the best one "Doubtful" and the other 3 "Useless"."

"I beleave in the universal salvashun ov men, but I want tew pick the men."

"Awl human happiness is conservatiff; 2 thirds ov the pleasure in sliding down hill consists in drawing the sled back. I don't serpoze thare would be enny fun in sliding down a hill 34 miles long."

"The man who kan ware a paper collar a hole week and keap, it klean, aint fit for enny thing else."

"When i cum akrost people who are perfeklty krazy for ventilashun, i say to miself, "that kritter was brought up in a windmill.""

"Ventilashun iz a good thing, but when a man kant lay down and sleep in a 10 aker lot without taking down two lengths ov fence to let the wind in he iz alltogether too airish."

"What should we do if it want for the churches? Thare iz a plenty ov people who kant worship God only in a church. If they were out in a field on the Sabbath day they would at once bekum lawless, and fall to digging out woodchucks or hunting for bumblebees' nests."

"Giv every one you meet, my boy, the time ov day and halff the road, and if that dont make him civil dont waste enny more fragrance on the cuss."

"I hav often heard ov men who had bekum disgusted with the world, and retired into solitude; but i hav never heard ov a kommitty ov our fust citizens waiting on them and asking them tew kum bak."

"I think that a hen who undertakes tew lay 2 eggs a day must necessarily neglekt sum other branch ov bizzness."

"I dont never hav enny trouble in regulating mi own kondukt, but tew keep other pholks straight iz what bothers me."

"Rather than not hav faith in enny thing, i am willing tew be beat 9 times out ov 10."

"I hate grate talkers; i had rather hav a swarm of bees lite onto me."

"Prejudice iz a hous plant which iz very apt tew wither if yu take it out doors amungst pholks."

"I never hav seen a bigot yet but what had a small and apparently braneless hed--bit i hain't seen all the bigots, yu know."

"Thare iz this mutch kan be sed in favour ov good-breeding, it iz the only thing that kan make a phool endurable."

"Marrying for buty iz a poor spekulashun, for enny man who sees yure wife, has got just about az mutch stock in her as yu have."

"I had rather be a pot-bellied seed cowcumber, flung carelessly on a wood pile to ripen, than tew be an old bachelor."

"I hope i shall never hav so much reputashun that i shan't feel obliged to be alwus civil."

"When i see a poor, and proud aristokrat, purtiklar about punktillio, he alwus puts me in mind ov a drunken man, trieing tew walk a crack."

"Take awl the prophecys that hav cum tew pass, and awl that hav caught on the center, and failed tew cum tew time, and make them up in an average, and yer will find, that buying stock, on the Codfish Bank ov Nufoundland, at 50 per cent, for a rise, iz, in comparison, a good spekulatiff bizziness."

"7 per cent haz no rest, nor no religion, it works nights, and Sundays, and even wet days."

"We are happy in this world just in proporshun as we make others happy--i stand reddy tew bet 50 dollars on this saying."

"A man's reputashun iz something like hiz coat, thare iz certain kemikals that will take the stains and grease spots out ov it, but it alwus haz a second-handed kind ov a look, and generally smells strong ov the kemikals."

"The wealth ov a person should be estimated, not bi the amount he haz, but bi the use he makes ov it."

"Their is one advantage in a plurality of wifes; tha fite each other, insted ov their husbands."

"I am poor, and I am glad that i am, for i find that wealth makes more people mean than it duz generous."

"As a gineral thing, when a woman wares the britches, she has a good rite tew them."

"Pedantry iz the science ov investing what little yu know in one kind ov perfumery, and insisting upon sticking that under every man's knose whom you meet."

"This setting down and folding our arms, and waiting for sumthing tew turn up, iz just about az rich a speckulashun az going out into a four hundred acre lot, setting down on a sharp stone, with a pail between our knees, and waiting for a cow tew back up and be milked."

"Love haz a most vorashus appetight, but a poor digestion, what it feeds on most alwus distresses it. Prudes, are coquets, gone to seed. It iz our duty tew pray for them who revile and persekute us, but i dont kno az we are obliged tew let them kno it."

"Thare are people who dont do ennything but watch their simptoms. I have seen dogs ackt just az sensible, i hav seen a rat terrier watch the simptoms ov a knot hole, in a board fence, all day, for sum rat tew cum out, but no rat didn't cum out."

"When a doktor looks me square in the face and kant see no money in me, then i am happy."

"The hardest thing that enny man kan do iz tew fall down on the ice when it iz wet, and get up and praze the Lord."

"Yung man, don't grind yure scythe all on one side!"

"Politeness iz often wasted, but it iz a good and cheap mistake tew make."

"Cunning iz very apt tew outwit itself. The man who turned the boat over and got under it tew keep out ov the rain, waz one ov this kind."

"I don't suppoze thare haz ever lived a man without a single virtew. Even Judas Iskariot "went and hanged himself.""

"About one haff the pitty in this world iz not the result ov sorrow, but satisfackshun that it aint our hoss that haz had hiz leg broke."

"I dont kno az it iz a very difficult thing tew be a good injun up in heaven, but tew cum down here and be a good injun, iz just whare the tite spot cums in."

"Genuine grief iz like penitence, not klamorous but subdued; sorrow from the hous tops and penitence in a market place shows more ambishun than piety."

"The grate desire ov mi life iz tew amuze sumboddy. I had rather be able to set the multiplikashun table tew sum lively tune than tew hav bin the author ov it."

"I rather admire the insolent civility ov a bull-tarrier, who only growls when i pass by him, but i never did like it in a man."

"Thare are but dredful phew people who kan talk ten minnits tew yu without lugging into the conversashun their bak or stummuk akes."

"I kno plenty ov folks who are so kondem kontrary, that if they should fall into the river, they would insist uopon floating up stream."

"I wouldn't undertake tew korrekt a mans sektarian views enny quicker than i would tell him which road tew take at a 4 corners, when i didn't know miself which waz the right one."

"Every man should kno sumthing ov law--if he knows enuff tew keep out ov it, he iz a prety good lawyer."