Army of Darkness

"My name is Ash, and I am a slave. As close as I can figure, the year is 1300 AD, and I'm being dragged to my death. Wasn't always like this. I had a real life once, a job. [now Ash is in a flashback] Hardware, aisle twelve. Shop smart: shop S-Mart! [back to monologue] I had a wonderful girlfriend, Linda. [Flashback: Ash and Linda at the cabin] Together we drove to a small cabin in the mountains. It seems an archaeologist had come to this remote place to translate and study his latest find: Necronomicon Ex-Mortis, The Book of the Dead. Bound in human flesh and inked in blood, this ancient Sumerian text contained bizarre burial rites, funerary incantations and demon resurrection passages. It was never meant for the world of the living. The book awoke something dark in the woods. [something crashes through the window of the cabin and Linda screams] It took Linda, and then it came for me. It got into my hand and it went bad, so I lopped it off at the wrist. [Ash is seen cutting off his hand] But that didn't stop it. It came back... Big time. [Ash gets pulled into the vortex holding onto the doorway] For God's sake! How do you stop it?!"

"All right, you primitive screw-heads, listen up! See this? This... is my 'BOOMSTICK!' [continuing nonchalantly] It's a twelve-gauge, double-barreled Remington. S-Mart's top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That's right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about $109.95. It's got a walnut stock, cobalt-blue steel, and a hair trigger. That's right... shop smart: shop S-Mart... YA GOT THAT?! Now I swear, the next one of you primates even touches me... [yells, shoots at the pit Deadite, then shoots again]"

"First you wanna kill me, now you wanna kiss me. [spits out grape seed] Blow."

"Yo, she-bitch! Let's go!"

"It's a trick. Get an axe."

"[trying out his new prosthetic gloved hand] Groovy!"

"[about to kiss Sheila] Gimme some sugar, baby."

"Good, bad... I'm the guy with the gun."

"Three books? Wait a minute... hold it. Nobody said anything about three books! Ooh, that stinkin' wiseman! He was so busy fillin' me full of his secret little words and his phrases and his BULLSHIT, that he never said anything about this!"

"Klaatu Barada NNNNNNecktie. Nectar. Nickel. Noodle. It's an "N" word, it's definitely an "N" word! Klaatu... Barada... N [clears his throat into his hand, then pauses] Okay... that's it!"

"Keep your damn filthy bones outta my mouth!"

"[crushing skeletons with boulders] OH, THAT'S GOTTA HURT!"

"[sets "Evil Ash" on fire, then swings towards him on a rope] TALLY HOOOO! [kicks him off the castle wall]"

"[final monologue] Sure I could've stayed in the past. Could've even been king. But in my own way, I am king."

"[Last Lines (Theatrical Cut)] Hail to the king, baby!"

"[Last Lines (Director's Cut)] Oh God...! No! NO! I SLEPT TOO LOOOOOOONG!!!!!!"

"How about some hot chocolate? huh?"

"Dig, damn you! Dig faster! I shall command every worm-infested son of a bitch that ever died in battle!"

"OOH, YOU MISERABLE BAGS OF BONES! PICK YOURSELVES UP, AND SALLY Fagghh- [jaw dislocates; he relocates it] SALLY Fagghh- [jaw dislocates again; he relocates it again] ...sally forth."

"[fighting Ash] I'll spoil those good looks!"

"[after being burned and reduced to a skeleton by Ash] I got a bone to pick with you!"

"Trapped in time. Surrounded by evil. Low on gas"

"1 man, 1 million dead, the odds are just about even."

"They move. They breathe. They suck."

"Get ready. Get set. Get dead."

"Foretold by a mystical book. Forewarned by a wiseman. Fulfilled by a wiseguy."

"Sound the trumpets, raise the drawbridge, and drop the Oldsmobile."

"They're looking for a few dead men."

"How can you destroy an army that's already dead?"

"In an age of darkness, at a time of evil... When the world needed a hero, what it got was him."

"Bruce Campbell - Ashley J. "Ash" Williams/"Evil Ash""

"Embeth Davidtz - Sheila"

"Marcus Gilbert - Lord Arthur"

"Ian Abercrombie - Wiseman"

"Richard Grove - Duke Henry the Red"

"Timothy Patrick Quill - Blacksmith"

"Michael Earl Reid - Gold Tooth"

"Bridget Fonda - Linda"

"Patricia Tallman - Possessed Witch"

"Ted Raimi - Cowardly Warrior/Second Supportive Villager/S-Mart Clerk"