"MR. PANSCOPE. (suddenly emerging from a deep reverie.) I have heard, with the most profound attention, everything whi…"

"Marriage may often be a stormy lake, but celibacy is almost always a muddy horsepond."

"There are two reasons for drinking: one is, when you are thirsty, to cure it; the other, when you are not thirsty, to…"

"When Scythrop grew up, he was sent, as usual, to a public school, where a little learning was painfully beaten into h…"

"The mountain sheep are sweeter But the valley sheep are fatter; We therefore deemed it meeter To carry off the latter…"

"Respectable means rich, and decent means poor. I should die if I heard my family called decent."

"My quarrel with him is, that his works contain nothing worth quoting; and a book that furnishes no quotations, is, me…"

"I never failed to convince an audience that the best thing they could do was to go away."

"I almost think it is the ultimate destiny of science to exterminate the human race."

"I never really had any aspirations to be an actor when I was young. I wanted to play the piano in a bar, to be the ol…"