"Sometimes you can just smell a horrendously shitty day on the way, can't you?"

"Well, you're in management now. If everybody loved you, you'd be doing something wrong."

"[Reading in a dictionary] Deadline: A date or time before which something must be done."

"Don't ask marital advice from a guy with two ex-wives and a daughter who won't speak to me."

"The problem with being my age is everybody thinks you're a father figure but you're really just the same asshole you …"

"Don't just take a position because it's the opposite of what she says! It's like watching a bunch of sixth graders, f…"

"A clipboard and a confident wave will get you into any building in the world!"

"What do you think I'm trying to do?. Look, I got news for you. I'm not locked up in the men's room with a cop because…"

"It's a Marx Brothers movie every time I step in my office."

"If we get art on the two kids at the walk of shame, it's "Gotcha!"."