"Sometimes you can just smell a horrendously shitty day on the way, can't you?"

"Well, you're in management now. If everybody loved you, you'd be doing something wrong."

"[Reading in a dictionary] Deadline: A date or time before which something must be done."

"Don't ask marital advice from a guy with two ex-wives and a daughter who won't speak to me."

"The problem with being my age is everybody thinks you're a father figure but you're really just the same asshole you …"

"Don't just take a position because it's the opposite of what she says! It's like watching a bunch of sixth graders, f…"

"What do you think I'm trying to do?. Look, I got news for you. I'm not locked up in the men's room with a cop because…"

"It's a Marx Brothers movie every time I step in my office."

"I can't stay. I have to put the paper to bed. But what do you say we all get together later and go have some dessert …"

"If we get art on the two kids at the walk of shame, it's "Gotcha!"."