"The new phone book's here! The new phone book's here! This is the kind of spontaneous publicity I need. My name in pr…"

"All of a sudden I had to remember some words that Marlowe had told me over fifteen years ago: "Dead men don't wear pl…"

"You kill me and I'll see that you never work in this town again."

"A kiss may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true."

"Why is it we don't always recognize the moment when love begins, but we always know when it ends?"

"Hosting the Oscars is like making love to a beautiful woman — it's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal's ou…"

"I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87."

"It was so sweet backstage, you should have seen it — The Teamsters were helping Michael Moore into the trunk of his l…"

"People come up to me and say "Steve, what is film editing?" And I say "How should I know? You're the director.""

"You know, a lot of people come to me and they say: "Steve, how can you be so fucking funny?" There's a secret to it, …"