"HBO used to do a thing in Bryant Park where you'd face the library, and they would have comics on-stage, live, and no…"

"I love Wisconsin, I love coming here. I've performed here a lot because I've discovered that you people apparently ha…"

"This [Wisconsin] is the only state that I can tell this story in because you're the only people who understand it. Uh…"

"Halfway through the winter, I decided I didn't want to be a comic anymore. I wanted to be a bear. Because bears are m…"

"There's a daytime NyQuil, and there's a nighttime NyQuil. Drink either one you want, because your cold doesn't give a…"

"Al Roker was the weatherman in New York City, and three years ago we had a blizzard. We were supposed to have, accord…"

"You don't want to go to Miami. Everybody's always delighted with it--no! Listen! The temperature down there is always…"

"I called the police. I said, "They've stolen my rental car, a Plymouth Horizon." The policeman said, "I guess they to…"

"The reason you should go to Las Vegas is because, for only the second time, the second time, ever, they have rebuilt …"

"Now, maybe you thought you could get clever by adding an -ing to your favorite curse word. Well, the bill also prohib…"