"I never should have picked a name like that. A name like that you gotta live up to."

"Diversification. Yes, sir. We're constantly exploring new and exciting areas of crime. And I tell ya somethin'. We be…"

"And you know for you kids out there who are thinkin' about smokin', don't start. And if you started, stop. Smokin' do…"

"I've fulfilled a lot of people's predictions about me. I've become a real scumbag."

"You shouldn't shoot me, Johnny. My grandmother shot me once... Once."

"You shouldn't hang me on a hook, Johnny. My father hung me on a hook once... Once."

"Dames are put on this earth to weaken us, drain our energy, laugh at us when they see us naked."

"I enjoy collecting protection money, putting whores to work, loan-sharking. I enjoy planting bombs in people's cars. …"

"I know what you can't say. You wanna get laid. You wanna hump your brains out. Vavoom, vavoom, vavoom!"

"The name's Dangerously. Johnny Dangerously."