"You don't have the stupidest family in the world, you don't have the goofiest family in the world. And if you ever ne…"

"Talking with Gary Busey is kinda like sex. You want to do it, you just don't want to be alone when you do it."

"People always ask me, "Did you see Larry's latest movie?" I always say, "No, but I flushed a ten dollar bill down the…"

"I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about…"

"Country music is about new love and it's about old love. It's about gettin' drunk and gettin' sober. It's about leavi…"

"Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt? You put on something from the cleaners, they're gonn…"

"When I was a kid, my parents had a 900-pound television on top of a TV tray. My dad's theory was, "Let him pull it on…"

"My mom thinks my new daughter is exceptionally bright, because now she will lie on the floor and talk to the ceiling …"

"Whatever cleaning goes on on the planet, women do 99% of it. But see, women are not as proud of their 99% as men are …"

"Hell, when I was in high school, a "drive-by shooting" meant somebody had their rear end hanging out a car window!"