"It's a DVD, and some of it might be shown on TV, so I'll be keeping it clean. There'll be no swearing, bad language o…"

"...and I've had to call somebody who purports to be some sort of boiler man...am I just unlucky or are plumbers evil …"

"Do you know what's odd and weird and strange - a democracy with a fucking Queen...Piers Morgan, who's a cock anyway..…"

"For me snowboarding is basically like being beaten up by a mountain."

"Trying to separate cigarettes and alcohol, that's against God's will!"

"I'm all for Workers' Rights and stuff like that, that's fair enough. But imagine if you were working in a pub in some…"

"I did think about giving up smoking, but I decided not to, because I'm not a quitter. And I know that every cigarette…"

"[About the Smoking Ban] The Irish are trying to be American, that's all it is. Everything American does Ireland has t…"

"My only problem with the Grand Canyon is Americans are a little bit too proud of it for my liking. Because they're ve…"

"Do you know who I like? No, you don't. So I'm gonna tell you. Because if you all just did know who I like, then that …"