"I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown."

"The current tax code is harder to understand than Bob Dylan reading Finnegans Wake in a wind tunnel.""

"At one time, Washington actually meant something. But now, it's about as relevant as Bob Dylan's tuning fork."

"Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge."

"The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed …"

"I think the American legal system sucks worse than a Celine Dion cover version of "Whole Lotta Love.""

"[about the woman who sued McDonald's because her coffee was too hot] We have trouble convicting people who confess to…"

"Americans stick their nose where it doesn't belong more than Cyrano de Bergerac giving head."

"Then people ask me if I'm worried about the effects of global warming on my kids. Well, obviously I love my kids and …"

"A new poll of Iraqis shows that more than half of them believe they would be safer if U.S. troops left their country.…"