"Why did you stop at a red light and let me hit you doin' 80?!"

"I saw this on CNN a few days ago. In New York these cops freaked out. They shot at this guy like 15 times 'cause they…"

"Next time you're at the airport, right, this is fun to do. You're at the airport, and you see somebody waiting for th…"

"All you need for this is a pair of gloves. Just take your gloves, right, and go down to the bank. Get in line behind …"

"I was being chased by a giant crab. [Audience laughs] That's not funny."

"So I'm hanging out with all my buddies and um... I realized something. Think of the group of people you've known the …"

"When you don't have love, it's like there's a party going on, and everybody was invited, except for you. And you just…"

"I've heard on the news that they are thinking of putting microchips inside babies so that if they ever get kidnapped …"

"You told your mother I was gonna blow you up with a fucking pumpkin bomb? What did she say?" "She. Was. Terrified. Sh…"

"I invite her back to my apartment, or as I call it, the "Death Star." I'm still working on it, it's not completely op…"