"Let's not get into who hit who or, you know, who may have deserved it."

"I'm not retreating, Pat's tugging me off."

"As far as I'm concerned, Neil Diamond will always be King of the Jews."

"Two fat ladies, 88! Not that you'd find these ladies at a bingo hall, of course... they're altogether a higher class …"

"(commenting on random clips of football/soccer matches in a build up to the upcoming 1994 FIFA World Cup): Shit! Did …"

"Remember, lives matter."

"Could someone clear that shit away, please? It's just, it's in my picture. People may associate it with me."

"Well at this stage of the show, some of my viewers maybe thinking "Alan, You're a liar! You promised that this show w…"

"You join us live at the Berlin Olympics on "Grandstand" in 1936 on this pleasant summer morning in Nazi Germany. Ever…"

"Let me tell you something about the Titanic, people forget, people forget that on the Titanic's maiden voyage there w…"