"... I would rather be an autistic woman than a neurotypical one. I always felt like women seem to look left and right at what other women are doing and are influenced by their peers. If I’d have been more influenced by my peers, I don’t know what I would have ended up doing."

"There's not enough talk of how weird neurotypicals are."

"... by looking at autistic women I admired I began to realize that an autistic brain could provide an escape route from the traditional paths laid out for women."

"Autistic women have an almost childlike sense of injustice, meaning they are also often ahead of the curve in pushing feminist interests forward."

"The people who are involved in the development of making films and television are not necessarily the most imaginative of people, to be honest. Well, they're not! I'm not being generically rude. But it's just a fact."

"A man has been convicted in a UK court of making a joke that was deemed "grossly offensive". If you don't believe in a person's right to say things that you might find "grossly offensive", then you don't believe in Freedom of Speech."

"For the system to actually disregard such things means that your actions no longer matter - they decide what your context and intent is. For any comedians making jokes in Britain, I'd be very, very worried about your future because - the context and intent - apparently they don't matter anymore"

"As an actor – I’d been an actor for many years before I did Doctor Who – you have an effect on an audience. You hear them laugh, you hear them cry in the theatre, or every now and again if you do a telly or a film, you bump into someone in the street and they might say something nice. But working with the fans and meeting them all around the world, they come to you and tell you that ‘you got me through my childhood’, ‘I had an unhappy childhood but Doctor Who was there for me’. I’ve met scientists who said ‘I became a scientist, I became a doctor because of you and Doctor Who’ and you think ‘wow, I was only trying to learn the lines and not bump into the monsters’. I didn’t realise that there was this other effect. So it’s very touching, moving and humbling. I’d say that."

"Theatre is like broad brush painting, where you can go anywhere with your brush. But film is like painting with one of those little, pointy brushes, a stroke here and a stroke there. I love that as well. You have to internalise everything and get it right deep inside. And when you feel you get it right, it’s almost orgasmic! It’s a lovely experience."

"I use it to receive scripts, and send e-mails. But I prefer pigeon! They’re much more friendly, and you can talk to them as well!"

"Remember what the Patriarch King Solomon Told his harem on the night they'd had a few: "Teetotalum overcoatum asqua scutum atomack Sonata with tomoto, laringitis, cul de sac." Translation: "If your rhubarb's fallen try and bend it back." That's a motto for the likes of me and you."

"And you can't part a boy from his father, You can't part a boy from his dad, You can't part a Scotchman from money No matter how many he's had. You can't part the skin of a sausage Or a dad from his fond son and heir, And you can't part the hair on a bald-headed man For there'll be no parting there."

"There's a cockeyed yellow poodle to the north of Conga Pooch; There's a little hot cross bun that's turning green; There's a double-jointed woman doing tricks in Chu-Chin-Chow, And you're a better man than I am, Gunga Din."

"'Twas the fifteenth anniversary of her twenty-second year, So he smiled at her as sweetly as a hog And asked what present she would like. And jestingly she said: "Your green tie for my little yellow dog.""

"She knows I'm a deserter from the Scottish Fusiliers, She knows I stole a blind-man's can...that got me seven years! She knows I've been connected with a gang of West-End Pests, And the police have had me twice inside the cage; And she knows I mix with ladies that have got a shady past, But my mother doesn't know I'm on the stage."

"Billy Bennett – I speak of the artist – was forthright, bawdy, and wholesome…[His] grossness had that gusto about it which is like a high wind blowing over a noisome place."

"[After the doorbell rings, right before Secretariat appears] Who's that at the door?!"

"[When beginning the cold open with another person] Please state your name for the camera."

"It's a great day for America, everybody."

"[to camera] Excuse me for just a second. [walks off-camera, to studio audience] Shut up!"

"Don't do that... By the way, this is not Oprah furniture; you jump on this, and it will be firewood... Oprah's got the real thing, this stuff...this is about as real as that [points to cityscape backdrop] right there."

"I'm TV's Craig Ferguson, please sit down relax and: "take off your pants"; "dip your hand into a bowl of warm water and fall fast asleep"; etc."

"[bends over] *errgh* Sorry for making that noise, but … that's what happens when you get older. One day what happens is that you bend over, and you never come back."

"Craig Ferguson: Do you do therapy? Hugh Laurie: I see a gentleman once a week. Craig Ferguson: I love it, I'm a great convert. Hugh Laurie: Therapy? Craig Ferguson: No, just seeing a gentleman once a week."

"I view my own body as a Donalds hiccups I am the main attraction... And the only customer."

"[reading an email] "Dear Craig, … are your letters written by your writers?" No. "Does this make me one of your writers?" (ponders) Yes. "Why haven't I been paid?" Because you're one of my writers!"

"Laughter separates us from despair and gives us a chance at love."

"[The Secretariat horse character reveals his true identity, and it happens to be Bob Newhart.]"

"Another innocent victim of my pointless rage."

"I can't live by your rules, man!"

"Remind you of anyone?"

"Oh, this isn't a talk show; it's more just filling time, really, 'til the infomercials start."

"That's here on CBS, where the 'C' stands for 'Classy' and the 'BS' speaks for itself."

"You don't say 'we're suspending the campaign'! You can't say that! We didn't sus-, you can't, it's the democratic process! We didn't suspend it for 9/11, we didn't suspend it for Pearl Harbor, we didn't suspend it for the Nazis, we didn't suspend it for the damn British! We don't do that in America! We don't! There's no suspending the campaign! Democracy first! First, first, first! First! Democracy, FIRST!"

"You die alone in your house, and your cat will eat you."

"In a Scottish opera, it ain't over 'till the fat lady bitch-slaps you."

"Whaa, I'm Brad Pitt. I'll crush you." [audience laughs] "With my hand!"

"Get well soon, Castro. [pause] Actually, no, don't; die, you bastard!"

"I haven't had a drink in thirteen years, but occasionally I'm tempted to have one beer. The problem is that if I have that one beer, I wake up in Tijuana four days later with a tattoo and a sore ass."

"I'm a vulgar lounge entertainer, I don't need to wear a tie."

"He's quiet as well, especially if you stalk him."

"As a vulgar lounge entertainer, my business relies on ridiculous stereotypes! If these people start using deodorant, I might as well just go home!"

"I don't like my politicians entertaining me and I don't like my entertainers politicianing [sic] me."

"He's German so he's Herr Ball. Herr Ball. His movies are so bad, cats choke when they hear his name."

"I enjoy bathing, as many Europeans don't."

"Kids: If a bear is wearing a ranger hat, it's because he ate the ranger!"

"Just a warning: If you're a bunch of sexy teenagers at a lake where other sexy teenagers were killed 30 years ago, leave! The guy in the forest with a hockey mask... maybe doesn't play hockey."

"[to Rupert Grint] Look at the great city of LA stretched out in front of you, son: there's dangerous people living in that cardboard backdrop."

"Clive Barker: It's an excuse to look at my groin. Craig Ferguson: I'm European - I don't need an excuse."

"Nothing says romance like hobos, martyrs and decapitations."