The Critic

"Now, I'm about to take off my shirt. A feeling of mild nausea is normal."

"Well, back to work. Got to win the Pulitzer Prize. First I need a topic. (starts typing on typewriter) "Chaplin, Polański and Woody: Three Men and a Little Lady." Aah! (Throws paper away, starts typing again) "Meathead, Laverne, and Opie: Great Filmmakers of Our Day." (Puts his hands to his head) AAH!"

"I am a movie critic by trade, and until recently, I got paid to tell you people which movies merely stink and which ones you shouldn’t screen near an open flame. Well, I’m putting the burden of lousy movies back on you. It’s very simple: if you stop going to bad movies, they’ll stop making bad movies. If the movie used to be a TV show, just don’t go. After Roman numeral II, give it a rest. If it's a remake of a classic, rent the classic. Tell them you want stories about people, not a hundred million dollars of stunts and explosives. People, it’s up to you. If the movie stinks, just don’t go."

"So you're not good at sports, we'll just have to find out what you are good at. In my case, it's complaining about movies that bring happiness to idiots."

"Well, that's all for our show tonight. If you want to read more about trucking, I'm sorry but there just aren't any trucking books out there."

"Goodnight, Critic fans! And a special goodnight to those just tuning in for Home Improvement! (Looney Tunes Theme plays)"

"I did it! Oh, I'm a doc, a happy sneezy doc! (Yawns) Ooh, I'm a sleepy happy sneezy doc. If I don't get to bed, I'll be a grumpy dopey sleepy happy sneezy doc. (Pause) Bashful."

"I promised Alice I'd get her little girl into preschool, and I haven't had any luck. I ate a cheesecake, I took a nap, what more can one man do?"

"(After being pepper sprayed) Mmmm, jalapeno!"

"(A speaking cardboard figure of Jay waving a book) Buy my book! Buy my book! Buy my book!"

"I'm Jay Sherman, the famous film critic. I used to have a big show on ABC ... for about a week."

"(Jay's poem to Alice, which he reads to her) The woman I love will be my best friend. We'll make each other laugh, and I'll never be lonely again. Her name will be Alice, and she'll have a sweet Southern accent, and I hope she'll love me too."

"(After being hit on the head by a heavy ball) Skull cracked, brains leaking out, can't wait to see new Chevy Chase movie."

"I can't die like this! I have holes in my Little Mermaid underwear!"

"Nothing turns on the chicks like The Human Fly...or was that Spanish Fly?"

"(After being held hostage in an Iraqi prison and forced to read a note in front of a T.V. camera) Single Arabic captain wishes to meet non-Kurdish woman. I like puppies, Kenny G and walks on the beach. Woo-hoo! Kenny G!"

"(While daydreaming of accepting an Oscar) A vive Jay Sherman, a vive Quebec-a. A vive Jay Sherman, a vive Quebec-a."

"And that's why I'm glad The Beatles broke up!"

"This is worse than the time you sucker-punched Mr. Rogers!"

"When I grow up, I want to be a man just like you."

"It's okay Dad, money's not important."

"Now look, I'll be honest. This is the ride I take with all my brother's girlfriends where they admit they're just using him."

"Great, welcome to our crappy family."

"(On the phone) Jay, this is your sister. You got a lot of laughs on The Tonight Show last night. Um ... did you mean to have your fly open the whole time?"

"(On the phone) Jay, this is your sister. Mom just gave me your old room. Um ... do you still want this Leif Garrett poster?"

"Debutante balls are outdated, elitist, and sexist. You said so yourself in your review of Boyz n the Hood."

"(To her ex Johnny, after he wanted to say goodbye before leaving) Aww, that's so sweet. Before you left, I wanted to say "Get bent.""

"(On the phone) Jay, this is your mother. Your father and I are taking you out of our will. We feel you already have enough money. Oh yes, and Happy Birthday."

"The debutantes' ball is a Wigglesworth tradition! To starve yourself to fit into a dress, to dance with boys who feel you up and to drink so much you fall into a well. It's a magical night."

"I was just going to give you some rubber bands to play with...but if you want to, you can come."

"I think you media jackals are a pack of filthy muck-raking scum! What you people did to poor Dan Quayle is a disgrace! I hate you all! Except for you good people at the New Yorker."

"(After Franklin transforms and behaves like The Mask) Oh dear. This is just what he did at Nixon's funeral."

"(After transforming into The Mask) Drrrrrrrrrrinkin'!"

"(Singing) I punch like a comet then drink till I vomit, I'm Franklin the sailor man!"

"As the first black female head of the Ku Klux Klan, I would just like to say America stinks!"

"(Imitating Julia Child) Then you sprinkle the chicken liberally with old spice."

"(Driving through a Picaso painting) Take that Guernica!"

"(Crashing through the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel in a helecopter) Take that Birth of Man!"

"(Preparing for the vice presidential debate) Now let's rob that bank. (Puts a stocking on his head)"

"(Goes to the cockpit of a plane and sees the pilot's a penguin) A penguin! And he's been drinking! Wait a minute... penguins can't fly... PENGUINS CAN'T FLY!"

"(To a penguin pilot when their plane goes down) No I will not pray with you!"

"Oh, Son. If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times ... who are all you people?"

"I didn't ask to be secretary of balloon doggies, the balloon doggies demanded it!"

"I was the head of a trucker's union once. That reminds me, there's a lot of money and some dead bodies buried in the back yard!"

"Forget the rivets, darling, Crazy Glue will hold any surface together! It's crazy!!!"

"Now, who wants to boogie with baby '37?"

"Happy 1937 everybody!"

"If I could be a vegetable, I'd be a carrot."

"(Dressed up as the Energizer Bunny) 48 hours and still going!"

"So you see, looking back, I think the other kids always picked me last for sports because I was smarter than them, not because of my unpredictable bladder."