Old School

"True love is hard to find. Sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show, ready to double-team your girlfriend..."

"At this point, you might be asking yourself, "Why am I holding this 30-pound cinder block in my hands?" You might also ask yourself, "Why does this cinder block have a long piece of string tied to it?" And finally, "Why is the other end of this string tied securely to your penis?""

"All I want to do is get some fucking sleep."

"This is my house. I live here, Beanie. I'm 30 years old. None of us are enrolled in the college."

"Ah Denver, The sunshine state... Denver?! Gorgeous!"

"[Leaving a message] I'll be in the neighborhood later on, and I was wondering if maybe you wanted to get some frozen yogurt, or perhaps a whole meal of food, if that would be agreeable. Dammit. [Calls back] This is Frank Ricard..."

"You know I was thinking we could go back home...have some dinner and pop in the Sisqo CD...no? Weren't thinking that? Okay."

"So what do you guys like better? Nurse or cheerleader? Oh, hi Nicole. Have fun at the wedding?"

"Thanks, she's OK"

"That's how you do it. That's how you debate."

"All we are is dust in the wind..."

"[Voiceover.] Dear Mitch, if you're holding this letter you already know. The house has been boarded up. The doors. The windows. Everything. We're at the Comfort Inn. Room 112. I love you. Frank"

"Blue's over there. But he's wasted."

"[Trying to talk over party noise.] Actually pretty nice little Saturday. We're going to Home Depot. Yeah buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed Bath and Beyond... I don't know! I don't know if we'll have enough time!"

"[Funnels a beer.] Fill it up again! Fill it up again! Once it hits your lips, it's so good!"

"Don't worry. The pledges will clean it up."

"No it's cool man, bring your green hat! We're going streaking!"

"[Sitting naked in the car.] Hey honey! Do you think KFC is still open?"

"In this corner, weighing in at 110 pounds and pushing 89 years of age and the recent recipient of a brand new plastic hip, Joseph "Blue" Polaski."

"[Shot in neck with tranquilizer dart, voice morphs into slow motion.] You're crazy, man. I like you, but you're crazy."

"I'm back! [Kicks a woman's shopping cart.] You know it!"

"Blue, do you understand I dont want you to die here tonight?"

"YOU'RE MA BOY BLUE!...You're Ma Boy!"

"I'm so cold...I think I see Blue! He looks glorious."

"SNOOP!! SNOOP-A-LOOP!!! [upon seeing rapper Snoop Dogg perform at the fraternity party]"

"No, it's cool, it's cool, it's cool...bring-bring your green hat, let's go! [at the same party, to one of Snoop's entourage wearing a green hat]"

"Were GOIN STREAKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Because this is a very big idea my friends. We're talking about a non-exclusive egalitarian brotherhood where community status and more importantly age have no bearing whatsoever."

"What we need to do is throw a big kick off, kick ass party."

"Max, can you earmuff for me? We are going to get so much ass here, it's going to be sick. I'm talking like crazy boy band ass."

"I have a wife and kids. Do I seem like a happy guy to you, Frankie?"

"Alright, let me be the first to say congratulations to you man; you have one vagina for the rest of your life. Real smart Frankie. Way to think it through."

"Well, why don't you give me your number in case anything happens to my wife."

"[to Frank's father in law] It takes a man to give away an angel. Your sweetheart. [wink]"

"I know a really good sand guy."

"Yeah, that's it. I got a student alt rock band coming on next. Mitch, I own six speaker cities. I am worth three a half million dollars that the government knows about, and I can barely read. I can't. I got more electronics up there than a damn KISS concert. You think I'm gonna roll out this type of red carpet for a fucking marching band? Just make sure you can see the stage."

"I'd like to welcome you all to the Mitch Martin Freedom Festival. Now for those of you who don't know who Mitch Martin is, he's the very successful, very disease-free gentleman standing by the mini bar. Now, courtesy of Speaker City, which is slashing prices on everything from beepers to DVD players, give a warm Harrison welcome to my pal and your favorite, Snoop Dogg."

"Frank here was staring at a white picket fence. Now he's single, he's broke, and has second degree burns all over his body. And I see a spark in his eye that I haven't seen in fifteen years."

"Six weeks ago Abdul here had a one way ticket to an arranged marriage with a broad he never met in Bangladesh. Now he's crushing ass every Thursday night at our mixers."

"You think I like avoiding my wife and kids to hang out with nineteen year old girls everyday?"

"He's playing hardball. And I got to admit. I'm impressed."

"Guys this is a very special occasion. The Godfather himself has decided to grace us with his presence. This is his damn house. He sleeps twenty feet away."

"Don't say sorry to me. You let down Frank. You let down me. Most importantly you let down Max. And right about now I'm having a hard time trying to figure out why I take time out of my schedule to help you get over... [to Max] Max can you earmuff it for me? [to Mitch] That whore you dated."

"That party that we had last night has given us a lot of street cred."

"What about Mitch here? He saw the wheels come off his life, guys. His whole world crumbled. Now he's the Godfather."

"Don't beat yourself up over this, Mitch. It's not your fault. Dammit, Blue was old. That's what old people do. They die."

"Good luck to everybody. Nice to know you all and I'll see you around campus."

"Mitch is a lawyer, buddy. He'll find a way out for us."

"You're the lady, Marissa! High five."

"No. That's a piece of crap. What? We stopped selling that six months ago. Lotta Complaints, nice gesture though, I think."