"Somebody pinch me. You know what? I'm a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough. Somebody shoot me in the face. …"

"Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a sub-prime fish loan and you're in business, buddy."

"The market is not finished. The market still has over nine thousand points to drop. We'll get to Christmas at least."

"I didn't realize quite how liberal I was until I was asked to make passionate comedic choices as opposed to necessari…"

"(on Alex Jones) He is a terrible person who lies for a living."

"Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt."

"Such a proud moment of professionalism. You work for years crafting cogent satirical essays and the thing that everyb…"

"My character is self-important, poorly informed, well-intentioned, but an idiot… So we said, "Let's give him a promot…"

"Truthiness is tearing apart our country, and I don't mean the argument over who came up with the word. I don't know w…"

"Well, I thought it was funny."