The Original Kings of Comedy

"[re: Rae Carruth]: Goddammit, normally when you runnin' from the law, you wanna get a passport... go to Canada... Brazil... Mexico... uh-uh, not Ray-Ray! Ray-Ray took his ass to Nashville!"

"[re: Titanic]: The band was playin' as the ship went down. What black band YOU know gon' keep playin, with the damn ship goin down'? Kool & the Gang woulda been unpluggin' shit! [acts like picking equipment up with the microphone cord] "Man, let's get the fuck outta here! Wrap that shit up. Goddamn it, come on! Wrap this shit up! Let's go! GODDAMN IT, LET'S GO! Get that amplifier off 'fore somebody fuck around and get shocked!""

"[re: The Temptations and soul music vs. rappers and hip hop music] Five Temptations...one mic. Whatever they did, they came back to the mike! Stank-ass rappers make me sick! Now, ev'rybody on the goddamned stage got a mike! Forty motherfucking people! Motherfucker, why? We can't understand what ONE of yo' asses is sayin'!""

"[to "Boogie", a hip-hoppish member of the audience, after "Boogie" tells him he attends "computer school" and works in the field of "computer technology"] I know we shouldn't say this to one another as black people...but you can't spell motherfucking "technology". I know you shouldn't even judge a book by its cover...but there is nothing about you, "Boogie", that says "computer"...or "school"!"

"When you go to church that much when you're a kid, you don't really care for church that much. So what you got to do is find little things to like about church, that make you want to go. And the one thing I liked about my church -- it might seem a little strange to you -- but the one thing that made me want to go all the time was when I found out that there was people that cussed at the church. That might not do it for y'all, but dammit, that done it for me."

"You can't fire white folk. You fire white folk, you'd best believe somebody gettin' shot that day. "I'm FIRED? I'll be right back, you sons of bitches...!" You fire a brother, we be mad for a different reason. "How come you didn't call me at home, motherfucker? You knew I was fired yesterday! Makin' me burn up all my goddamn gas...""

"Nobody love God like black folks. Black folks love us some God. Jesus was black. If Jesus was black, then you know the apostles were black, 'cause wouldn't no 12 white men follow no brother. Not unless they was the police and Jesus had a warrant, huh? They ain't have to describe Jesus to me for me to know he was black. Jesus' first miracle was turning water into wine at a wedding. Now, if that ain't black folks' shit, I don't know what is. "Lord, we done ran outta wine!" "Well, you know, normally, I don't do this, but, uh...[Jesus turns the water into wine with one hand motion] gon' head, keep the party goin'.""

""We're going out of town; you're gonna have to stay with Big Mama." "GOD DAMN! I hate that bitch and she hate me!" Everything you did over your mean grandmama's house gonna run up her light bill. "Don't you come in my house talking loud! You gonna fuck around and run up my light bill! My light bill be sky high cause of yo' little black ass." Got them silly-ass superstitions: "Don't use the phone; there's a rainstorm! Lighting be done struck my house! Then my light bill be sky high!" "It's bad luck opening an umbrella in the house." No, it's bad luck having a hole in your fuckin' roof, that's what's bad luck!"

"Never in life do you hear about a large group of black people getting killed altogether. 'Cuz we run. Nigga, we run when we see somebody else runnin'. We don't ask no questions why we runnin', we don't need no run coordinator to get the runnin' all organized. Nigga, if I'm with you, and you start runnin'...dammit, I'ma start runnin'!"

"I met this dude the other day named Daryl...he gon' tell me to call him "Delicious". "Ced, you can just call me 'Delicious'". [Laughs, then becomes serious] I'm a grown-ass man, dawg. I ain't gonna call no other dude "Delicious"! What if that nigga way down the street or summin? "'DELICIOUS'!!! Ay, D, hol' up!"."

"[re: Luther Vandross] I don't do "little" Luther. I like "big, curl-not-quite-right" Luther. That boy made all that money, and his curl never...*sigh*...his curl never...really...curled all the way over!"

"[On sex] Imagine if they put sex in a can."

"[On his penis] if I pull my shit out right now this whole room get dark."

"[re: whipping a child] I will fuck a kid up. When a kid gets one-years-old, I believe you got the right to hit him in either the throat or the stomach. If you grown enough to talk back, you grown enough to get fucked up!"

"If you don't bust a nut when I bust a nut... then you fresh outta fuckin' luck wit' me!"

"[re: his two-year-old niece and six-year-old effeminate nephew]: I came home at one o' clock in the morning. The two-year-old send the faggot downstairs for some milk and cookies! I'm comin' upstairs, he walkin' downstairs. He gon' walk past me like I'm a visitor, you know... [imitates his nephew's blank stare]. I said, "where you goin?" [as his nephew, in a stereotypically gay voice] "To get some milk an' cooookies!" He said it so funny, I wanted to hear him say it again! I said, "some what?" [as his nephew]!!"."

"I had a white guy tell me... he said, "Bern, why do black folks use the word 'mother-fucker?'" Well, I'm gonna break down what the word "mother-fucker" actually means. "Mother-fucker" is somethin' that black folks have been using for years. It's about expression. Don't be ashamed of the word "mother-fucker." Because the word "mother-fucker" is a noun: it describes a person, place, or thing!"

"We got jokes."

"The heavyweight champions of comedy"