"You ever take a crap so big, your pants fit better? Anybody ever do that? You ever...I'm hoping that happens to me la…"

"Yesterday, I was sitting on a beanbag chair naked, eating Cheetos and...[audience cheers], I was flippin' through the…"

"She and I got into another argument about the temperature of the dwelling and she took a butcher knife and slashed th…"

"I was flying from Flagstaff, Arizona to Phoenix, Arizona because my manager doesn't own a globe. We flew on a plane t…"

"The DeBeers people are almost saying what they really mean. You remember the old DeBeers slogan, "Diamonds are foreve…"

"[on vegetarianism] I didn't climb to the top of the fuckin' food chain to eat carrots."

"I get that Speedo on, it looks like a rubber band stretched over a head of cauliflower."

"Have you ever seen a healthy-looking vegetarian? They look like shit! They're all gaunt and yellow. After a while, th…"

"I've been through two hurricanes; I was in Hurricane Carla as a kid in Houston, and I was really excited during hurri…"

"I'd like to start off this show by asking you all a question, cause I don't know the answer. Uh, I lost my sunglasses…"