"You ever take a crap so big, your pants fit better? Anybody ever do that? You ever...I'm hoping that happens to me la…"

"Yesterday, I was sitting on a beanbag chair naked, eating Cheetos and...[audience cheers], I was flippin' through the…"

"She and I got into another argument about the temperature of the dwelling and she took a butcher knife and slashed th…"

"I was flying from Flagstaff, Arizona to Phoenix, Arizona because my manager doesn't own a globe. We flew on a plane t…"

"The DeBeers people are almost saying what they really mean. You remember the old DeBeers slogan, "Diamonds are foreve…"

"[on vegetarianism] I didn't climb to the top of the fuckin' food chain to eat carrots."

"Have you ever seen a healthy-looking vegetarian? They look like shit! They're all gaunt and yellow. After a while, th…"

"I've been through two hurricanes; I was in Hurricane Carla as a kid in Houston, and I was really excited during hurri…"

"They evacuated everybody from the (Florida) Keys and everybody leaves except for one guy who’s gonna stay there and t…"

"I'd like to start off this show by asking you all a question, cause I don't know the answer. Uh, I lost my sunglasses…"