"Happiness comes in small doses folks. It's a cigarette, or a chocolate chip cookie or a five second orgasm, that's it…"

"...and there aint a goddamn thing anybody can do about it, you know why? Because we've got the bombs! That's why, yea…"

"I would never do crack. I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?"

"I love to smoke. I smoke seven thousand packs a day!"

"NyQuil, NyQuil, NyQuil! We love you, you giant fucking "Q"!"

"I'm high as a kite and my teeth are green, merry fucking Christmas!"

"There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed we wouldn't get laid."

"I'm gonna get one of those tracheotomies, so I can smoke two cigarettes at the same time! I'm gonna get nine tracheot…"

"Ted Kennedy, a good senator but a bad date you know what I mean? "What'd I forget? Goddamit the fuckin' girl! Jesus C…"

"We didn't have rehab back in the Seventies. Back in the Seventies, rehab meant you stopped doing coke, but you kept s…"