"Weird Al" Yankovic

"Alanis Morissette and I actually used to date. I especially liked it when we went to the movies."

"That's something the kids should know about. Reading is a gateway to witchcraft and lesbianism."

"I wrote "Eat It" because I wanted to buy a banana boat for Christmas. It worked."

"I have very mixed feelings about [Napster]. On one hand, I'm concerned that the rampant downloading of my copyright-protected material over the Internet is severely eating into my album sales and having a decidedly adverse effect on my career. On the other hand, I can get all the Metallica songs I want for FREE! WOW!!!!!"

"What kind of bananas do you have working at newspapers in Austin that would base an entire review of an artist's performance on whether or not they had a good seat?"

"I think my chances of getting into the Rock 'N' Roll Hall Of Fame are about as good as Milli Vanilli's."

"Right now I'm listening to a lot of Top 40 music, because THAT'S MY JOB."

"Many years ago I found out something about hamburgers that really grossed me out. You may not know this, so I hope I don't make you sick, but it turns out hamburgers are actually made out of dead cows. I am not making this up. Needless to say, as soon as I discovered that, I gave up meat entirely."

"If money can't buy happiness, I guess I'll have to rent it."

"My brothers and sisters all hated me 'cause I was an only child."

"I'll never forget the first thing she said to me, she said: "Hey - you've got weasels on your face." Right then I knew it was true love."

"Look If you had one shot to sit on your lazy butt and watch all the TV you ever wanted until your brain turned to mush Would you go for it? or just let it slip? Yo"

"Shoppin' online for deals on some writable media I edit Wikipedia"

"I'm nerdy in the extreme Whiter than sour cream"

"I sued Taco Bell 'Cause I ate half a million Chalupas And I got fat! I sued Panasonic They never said I shouldn't use their microwave To dry off my cat!"

"Oh, you don't wanna mess with the R-I-double-A They'll sue you if you burn that CD-R It doesn't matter if you're a grandma, or a seven-year-old girl They'll treat you like the evil, hard-bitten, criminal scum you are"

"Never had a date That you couldn't inflate"

"We only torture the folks we don't like You're probably gonna be okay."