Tony Martin (comedian)

"I blame that cow Mother Teresa"

"Because I "needed" them for school I had previously extorted a chemistry set, a soldering iron a magnifying glass, a tape recorder, a fountain pen, a Stanley knife, a compass, a torch, a set of oil paints, a speedometer for my bike, some sea monkeys, an Electra set, a halliwell's, a subscription to Weapons and Warfare and a ticket to the opening night of the Hamilton film festival. I'm sure if I'd claimed I needed one for biology she'd have hooked me up with a prostitute."

"Dogs, now they're the real arse bandits!"

"And here endeth the sizzle"