Sarah Millican

"[Asked if she was bullied at school] I was never punched. I think verbal abuse is potentially worse than being punched in the arm. I got called names every day. I got called Norma-No-Mates and Speccy-Four-Eyes."

"I always wanted to be able to say I pay my electricity bill by telling cock jokes."

"[Q:] What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? [A:] I'm always a bit late, but I don't mind that, because it means that whoever I'm meeting is already there. [Q:] What is the trait you most deplore in others? [A:] I hate it when people are later than me."

"[Asked "End of weekend dread?"] Monday is our Saturday, so no dread. Having different days off to the majority of people is great in so many ways. And working Saturdays means you never have to go to a wedding."

"I got divorced. I've got friends who got divorced and they did not do stand up – good to know it's not obligatory, but I think you have to do something. Some people drink and some people sleep around, and I was like, "I'm going to tell some strangers how sad I am. But in a funny way"."

"[Her] comedy depends on the cognitive dissonance between her appearance (primary school teacher in spectacles) and the filth she speaks."