Maureen Lipman

"The plans of mice, men and Maureen gang aft a cock-up."

"She taught us Hygiene. And you know what that meant: s-x, pr-cr-ation and p-r--ds."

"I'm a games player by nature. Don't get me wrong. Nothing that involves movement. Like leaving my chair."

"Are you sitting comfortably? Then get up. This is no time for sloth."

"The make-up sat on the surface of my skin like scrambled egg."