Joe's Apartment

"[thinking about a letter he wants to write] Dear Mom, I arrived in New York, safe and sound. [a mugger jumps out from behind a bus, beats up Joe and takes some of his belongings] Dear Mom, I arrived in New York, safe and sound... (a second mugger a short distance away does the same thing) Dear Mom, I arrived in New York- [a third mugger does the same thing too] Dear Mom... [the last mugger holds a gun at Joe's head at gunpoint] please send money!"

"[finding a cockroach on a half-eaten sandwich] That is the biggest, greasiest bug I've ever seen. [The cockroach flies off and Joe shrugs before taking a bite out of the sandwich]"

"[trying to find the address where he is assigned to collect urinal cakes] East 161st Street and River Avenue? East 161st Street and River Avenue! [he finds it only to realize it's Yankee Stadium ]"

"[after saving Ralph's life from the cat] Yeah? Well, stop following me to work already! For god's sake."

"I need you to fill in for my drummer this Saturday. He's dead."

"[after Joe fails to impress anyone with his drumming skills] I'm sorry, there's not gonna be any rock n roll tonight. This is all that's left! This is all that's left of the rolling thunder of America's heartbeat!"

"A rent-controlled apartment is one where the rent's been frozen since like the forties. But places like that are hard to find because no one ever leaves them. Unless their landlord's give them a little help."

"Your apartment? I believe we were here first. And we'll be here last too. We've gotta long-time lease on this planet."

"Giving up?! What made roaches outlast the dinosaurs? Because roaches never give up! They can stomp us, they can pop us, but they'll never ever stop us! And one day, the Great H bomb's gonna drop, and we'll have the whole stinkin' planet to ourselves!"

"[trying to distract a cat with a comedy act] Anyone here from New Jersey? What exit? Bada-bing!"

"Sex Bugs Rock 'n Roll."

"Jerry O'Connell - Joe F. Grotowski"

"Megan Ward - Lily Dougherty"

"Jim Turner - Walter Shit"

"Sandra Denton - Blank"

"Robert Vaughn - Senator Dougherty"

"Don Ho - Alberto Bianco"

"Jim Sterling - Jesus Bianco"

"Shiek Mahmud-Bey - Vladimir Bianco"

"David Huddleston - P.I. Smith"

"Vincent Pastore - Apartment broker"

"Paul Bartel - National Endowment for the Arts scout"

"Richard "Moby" Hall"

"Graham Dewar - Pizza delivery guy"

"Nick Zedd - customer"

"Solange Monnier - customer"

"Billy West - Ralph"

"Reginald Hudlin - Rodney"

"Jim Turner"

"Jim Sterling"

"Dave Chappelle"

"Tim Blake Nelson"

"Rick Aviles (final film voice role)"